The feel of home

It was glorious to finally get some decorations and things hanging on our walls. Somehow that just makes this place feel like home more than anything else could.

Oh, little did I know....

Flowers are blooming and blossoming. Lilacs are finally starting to show their color and open the little buds. And yes. I have a lilac bush in my back yard that I didn't know about until it started blooming. My mother loves lilacs. She has two "walls" full of them. Lilacs are the smell of home for me. When I was out back the other day and spraying roundup on those awful prickly weeds, I saw the lilacs for what they were the first time. And yes, I went over and took a big wiff of them, and it felt like home.

Most of the bush is growing on the other side of the fence, but there are some sprouts that popped up on our side. The property on the other side of the fence is somewhat questionable... there is a house, but closer to our side of the fence is a rundown building. The yard also is overrun with weeds and... a lilac bush that just wanted to live on our side so bad...

The other day (probably the same day I found the lilac bush) I heard a familiar sound and felt like I was truly at home. The wonderful caw of a peacock. Yes, a peacock. And, yes, I did caw back at them. They live near me somewhat and I hear them from time to time, sometimes I caw back at them, and most times when I do, they don't respond. But still... another aspect of my childhood home that I love. We plan to put a fence up on the other side of our property and line it with lilac shoots so that it will grow to glorious goodness.

Not everyone can make a peacock sound. Maybe I'm just one of those lucky people who grew up with them in my backyard. But then, my brother Pavlov has one of the best Donald Duck impersonations that I have ever heard. And I doubt he grew up with Donald Duck hiding in his room.

Warning: Unknown rambling ahead.

Now that Shay has been fed Oreos and milk, she is ready to post.

In case you didn't know, Shay is working on a story. A very long one in fact. Shay has currently written a full length novel of it actually (though she hopes to turn it into a manga eventually... you know... Japanese comic book) and is working on a second full length novel. Yes, Shay is crazy.

She is kind of stuck in her story right now and isn't quite sure where to go in the forthcoming chapters. Shay is used to that, as her muse is a devilish being who refuses to let Shay know what is coming next. That doesn't make gearing up to write the next chapter any easier though, this knowledge that her muse will take over and everything will turn out right in the end. In fact, Shay has a vague idea of what will happen in the next chapter, and very likely is somewhat scared to write it because of the feelings and emotions of one particular character.

Okay. So what does this have to do with Shay's personal life? Well, she doesn't know what to do with herself right now. Tis a Friday night, the kids are to bed, and Shay doesn't really have much to do (besides writing on said long story or practice drawing things). So Shay came onto blogger to find the hidden meaning of life and love. She didn't find it and is now telling you all about her lack of knowledge.

Yeah... this post is very rambling, and Shay knows that. She is beating around the bush about what is really bugging her because she knows that posting it online isn't the way to fix anything worth something.

And as Shay doesn't know what to say anymore and is certain most of you didn't even understand a word of the last 5 minutes or so of your lives, Shay will finish it off with a picture that she sketched yesterday. She opened a volume of her favorite manga and found a picture to base her sketch off of.

So here are a thousand more words for ya:

Tweedle Beetles

I have been sitting here wasting time on other sites and things telling myself that I wanted to post something. And I do... really.

I just don't know what to write about.

Goof Ball turned into "Annoying Ball" this morning, so I fear that I won't be able to talk about him without ranting, which I did last post and I didn't want to do it again this time.

... To say it bluntly... I just don't know what to do.

The past few days (ish) have been interesting... For almost the entirety of last semester of school I didn't really get mad at the kids at all. Somehow. Yes, they did bug me and yes they did prevent me from doing my homework sometimes. But somehow I didn't get overly angry where I worried that I would take my anger out in ... well ... less than ideal ways. I'm starting to wonder if maybe we are just seeing too much of each other and that causes the stress and anger? I sure hope not.

In any case I want to be done with this topic. So how bout we talk about tweedle beetles?

What do you know about tweedle beetles?

Well when tweedle beetles fight, it's called a tweedle beetle battle. And when they battle with paddles, it's called a tweedle beetle paddle battle.

And before I approach copyright laws, I better stop there. (learn all about tweedle beetles in Dr. Seuss' book Fox in Socks)

Let's just say that my tweedle beetles are very cute, and sometimes they battle with me... and sometimes they battle with themselves. (when they battle with me, it's called a tweedle beetle momma battle... and when they battle with each other it's called a tweedle beetle brother battle.)

We had some fun mirror times yesterday, so I'll finish with that I suppose. The cute side of the tweedle beetles:

Finished sweater!!! (yes... I made that.)

And last but not least... latest finished project. A quilt for Goof Ball (sorry the picture is tilted. don't know how to change that... on blogger at least):

Neighbor friends

This will be short... or at least I plan for it to be, as I really want to be working on my story, but fear that I will keep being distracted if I don't get this out.

First off... I love having other kids over, truly I do. We haven't ever really had kids 'next door' that Bug played with, but now that we do, I am loving it, opening the door to see the girls there.

But their presence and my overwhelming desire or maybe pull to be near Bug whenever he is outside has made me realize ... I completely fear him going to school this fall. I mean... I know most mothers with their first kids would be like this... but I just don't know what to do with myself. He seems so delicate and fragile at home, I don't even know how he acts not around me, but at home he gets upset and (at least acts) traumatized from the smallest things. The problem last Sunday about the torn coloring book...? Yeah exhibit number one. Or more likely number 100.

To be honest I am not really sure what my fears are... having been abused when I was younger, I worry how he will be treated when I am not around. Nursery wasn't that bad. I mean... they are all practically babies. Primary... sure. Maybe... they start to pick favorites then... though he isn't quite at that age yet, but... yeah.

School??

*shudders...*

My elementary school experience was... to say the least well... I don't remember much. To be perfectly honest. I was around the age when I got abused and really... I think because of that I pushed most of my memories of my childhood away. The memories I do have aren't all that pleasant which leads me to believe that the ones I purposefully forgot would be worse.

I don't know... I am probably stressing over things that I shouldn't be. But the more and more days pass and the closer and closer the next semester comes, I will likely be getting more and more stressed. Exited for my own experience of learning Japanese... but terrified of Bug's experience.

Oh, and I will end this on a question prologued by a story... the younger of the two girls who hung out a good portion of the afternoon here tended to hoard toys and when Goof Ball would come up and grab one that was just sitting there by her leg, she got possessive and took it away. He has an older brother and didn't worry too much about it and just walked off. Then when they were playing downstairs and I was talking to someone on the phone, apparently she had pushed Goof Ball and he was crying and crawling up the stairs. I don't know if he actually got hurt, and I don't even know if the older girl's story was true... but really. I am not babysitting (per se) and I am not these kids parent... but if they come here and take away my boy's toys and push... what do I do? I talked with her and told her that if she is going to keep being mean she can just go back to her house. I hope I was not out of line, but really. They are in my house and if they are going to be rude to those living in it... they can leave. Right?

*sigh.... so many stressors....

Now onto writing... *evil laughter as I try to get in the mind of my evil (and pissing me off about it) character*

A month and a half later...

Hello once again. School is out, commencement has occurred (grats once again, little bro!!) and life has returned to somewhat normalcy.

By the way... I love that word. Normalcy. :)

Things are happening, we have big plans for our house, most of which probably won't happen this summer. First project (and likely only project to happen this summer... if it even does) is build a fence around our property. There is a back fence, and a fence on one side, but not the other... and we kind of are thinking of wanting to put a fence in front too. We also want to put a sprinkler system in, but well... I am just realizing/wondering if it would be better to do one before the other...

Our lawn needs a ton of work. Weeds and various kinds of grass popping up every which way. We even found mint growing by the house, and have since learned that it spreads... need to barricade that in or just take it out I suppose. But we don't really want to take it out. Pro Boxer is all excited about making mint tea...

In any case, that is life in a nutshell.

Now onto other things.

First a question to all you mothers of young children out there: Does Sunday seem to have more tears than any other day?

However your Sundays are, mine seem to be filled with more tears than any other day of the week. And don't tell me that it is because I don't let them play on the computer or the Wii on Sunday. Those things haven't even been an issue the whole day.

Goof Ball wants to snack on candy or flavored milk all day, and when I don't let him... screams. I try to play a board game with Bug, and then Goof Ball comes up to the table and tries to play with the pieces. I can stand that to a point, but eventually the time comes for me to intervene. Intervening = screams. I get out coloring books to distract them so I can spend time cooling my anger from all the Goof Ball screams. Bug comes in with me to color something. Goof Ball follows. Goof Ball then makes a point to stand on Bug's coloring book (so as to point to the flavored milk that I won't give him anymore) and what happens? Goof Ball slips and tears out a paper from Bug's coloring book. Torn paper of Bug's = screams.

Are you getting the idea, or do I need to go on?

Goof Ball also decides to put crayons in any small hole he can. His ear, his nose, the key hole to my roll top desk, his mouth..... you get the idea. The crayons got put away. Crayons being taken away = you got it... screams. So I send them downstairs to watch a Sunday movie so I can really cool off and prevent myself from getting violent. Bug comes up soon with his little sob/whine. I roll my eyes and prepare myself to hold back the anger again. Apparently the DVD he was going to put in had been broken by none else but.... you guessed, Goof Ball. I sigh and say, "I'm sorry." and send Bug back downstairs to put in a different Sunday movie.

Fuming and angered... I come on here, the only place I feel I can get my anger out healthily. I'm sorry you had to read about it, but really... this is what this blog is about. Venting, and helping others. Well, supposedly.

A bit of good news in all of this. During one of the moments of extreme anger (I had actually yelled at Bug for crying over the stupid ripped coloring book.... I hadn't actually yelled in a very long time) Bug comes back in to tell me that he prayed for Heavenly Father to help me not be mad. Nothing makes Bug sadder than me angry. Yeah, that melted my heart just a bit. But then, being ... well a tired and very emotionally strained mother, I got mad again soon after that and overreacted (negatively) towards Goof Ball for eating the crayon.

Save just getting this all out, I don't really know why I am telling you all this. I bet the last thing you want to read is a horrible day of mine. But... (prepare yourselves...) this blog isn't just for you. (gasp!!) I really needed to get that all out. Maybe just from doing that, I won't explode as easily the rest of the day. *crosses fingers...*

All that said, and the fact that school is out, I hope to post more often. Less negative venting posts, and more happy 'my kids are so cute' sort of posts... don't expect me to give you one like that now.

Oh... have I TOLD you? For the second semester in a row, all my grades are over a B. Which is saying something for me. It isn't that I am a flunker, but well... I am overjoyed that my classes are over a B. All of them. Some people get relief from all A's, yeah. I get happy over everything over a B. If I got all A's I would probably faint and think the teachers were drunk or something when they submitted my grade.

There you have it. I ended on a happy note. Now go off and have a better day, because I think (hope?) that mine will be.