Grateful

I feel like I have been neglecting this blog... which in a way I kind of have.  I'm sure lots of people haven't liked how this blog has turned out, I know I sure haven't... it seems almost every post these days is something depressing again.  Which isn't surprising I suppose seeing as how things have gone in my life as of late.  But I won't get into that.

I was looking back in some really early posts recently and realizing just how much I do have.  How much more I should be grateful.  Yes.... a lot has happened in my life.  A lot that has given me every right to be angry, bitter, and filled with hatred at times.  And that is what I have been for the past few months, no hyperbole.  But at the same time... I do have a lot that I should be more grateful for.  Things that I often take for granted.

My wonderful friends who have accepted me, bitterness, anger, hatred, and all.  Friends who haven't judged me or run away when they found out about the darkness and hatred within me.

My amazing husband who despite what I have chosen in the past month or so (not going to church, eating out with a friend on Sunday, etc...) that have gone against what he would have liked me to do, he still accepts me and doesn't think any less of me as a person.

My family.  Family is easy to take for granted.  Likely because you grow up with them and know them so well you almost know what they will say to you when you say something.  I have certainly been pulling away from my family as of late.  I have even been pulling away from Pro Boxer's family as well.  They both are just so full of the gospel and that fuels their lives so much that I couldn't stand being in the same room with them when they discussed gospel related things - or when gospel things came into the conversation, no matter if it was simply just a passing thought that spent only a sentence in the conversation.  Yes family who keeps up with this - I have been purposely avoiding you.  Which may also be a reason why I haven't posted on here in a long time... and none of the posts have fully been about what has been bugging me most.  Truthfully... I haven't wanted to tell you about how much I have fallen because I haven't wanted you to be disappointed in me.  But that's just it.  I know you wouldn't think any less of me, but I was dealing with the fear that you would.  A lot has gone on in my life recently that has caused me to pull away, and I have done so purposefully, but I'm not going into that now.  The fact of the matter is, that my kids, my husband, my siblings... I am learning how I should appreciate you more, and lean on you more.

My talents.  Surely my trumpet playing ability is amazing.  Not just because I'm a trumpet player and have an ego, I know that it is great (because of the complements and raving reviews I get from Dr. Lion and Dr. MOM - the new trumpet teacher), and naturally better than some.  At least in some ways.  I say naturally because I don't practice nearly as much as I should, and yet I can pull off amazing performances.  They would probably be more amazing if I practiced more... but again... I'm just taking it for granted.  But I'm trying to change that mode of thought.

My abilities in general.  I mean... I'm about to graduate with a Bachelor's of Arts and I'm a freaking mom at the same time.  That aside with everything that has been happening, I have been able to survive.  Even if I don't graduate with a 3.0 (right now I'm at a 2.98..... 3.0 has been my goal ever since I found out I was that close) I have survived much more than I thought I would, and that has been with full schedules, sometimes poor health with sciatic nerve issues and lung problems... and even a part time job last spring.

I just.... I should be more grateful.  Bad times aside... I really do have lots to be grateful for.