Most of my readers know that I had been sexually abused as a child. If you don't, well, you can look back in the archives and find me talking about it if you want. I can't remember what post it is though, so sorry about that.
Having something so traumatic like that happen is damaging in many different ways. Many times it gets to the point where the survivor can't trust anyone, even themselves. I was certainly like that (once again, look back in the archives if you want to read about it), I couldn't trust my husband, I couldn't trust my parents, I couldn't trust God, I couldn't trust myself... no one. Anyone could be just wanting to hurt me. I think I still very likely have a huge issue with trust, particularly of strangers, but I think it has slacked off a bit.
It has been said that the healing time for people who have been abused is a 15 year-life sentence.
A few weeks ago I knelt down and prayed. I had done so many times in my life before, begging to be healed. I almost hated the phrase, "ask and ye shall receive." How many freaking times do I have to ask to be healed?! I longed to hear the phrase, "be thou healed." But it never seemed to fit God's schedule I suppose. I don't know.
There have been times in my life where I thought I had been healed only to find that there was still something hidden, still something that pained me to the point where I knew for a fact that I really wasn't. Which is mainly the reason why I didn't want to share and blab about this experience. Who knows... maybe I still have part of the onion to uncover. Very likely. Abuse is always more than the original act, it is abuse heaped upon abuse, over and over. It makes sense that to heal, you have to peal those layers away.
This morning though (not this morning, as in today... but the day referenced above... weeks ago), I knelt down, sobbing. I laid my hands out as if presenting my pain and sorrow as an offering and pleaded. "Please," I sobbed, "take this away! I can't live like this anymore!" I hated pushing my husband away because I was uncomfortable. I hated hurting him like that. I couldn't live with that sort of pain anymore. Pro Boxer is infinitely better for me than I deserve. So patient. He never complained about my issues. He always put himself second in this regard. I won't ever be able to repay him. And I hated hurting him (or at least imagining that I was hurting him).
*wipes away tears...
It probably wasn't sudden. But soon after I begged and pleaded harder than I ever remember doing so before, I almost felt empty inside. Not the hollow/numb kind of empty. More like the pain and sorrow that I had been harboring inside of me was instantly gone and instead peace replaced it. The tears didn't stop, but the reason for those bitter tears was gone. I looked up, my heart feeling like it was a hot air balloon. The feeling was amazing. I doubt I could ever describe it with enough justice. Slowly, I stood up, and though I had been kneeling for sometime, my legs didn't feel prickly. Instead, I almost felt light headed, as if I was about to faint. Yet, it wasn't a physical lightheadedness. This may or may not make any sense, but it was more as if my spirit was lightheaded. There was nothing wrong with me physically, but instead, I felt free. Free doesn't begin to describe it. I literally felt as if I was going to collapse, but not because my body needed to, but because my spirit needed to. I started to wonder if this is how "normal" people feel all the time, with no burden of abuse to weigh them down. It was like I was no longer walking, but rather floating.
Since then, I have not had any problem with being physically intimate with my husband. My anger doesn't flare up as easily nor as quickly. I talk quieter instead of louder when my kids are being trying. And even now, as I recollect and think back on it, I feel the same way as I did then. I feel better about myself and my looks. I can look in the mirror and think, "hmm... maybe people are right and I really am quite good looking," more often than I did before. Even times when I am having a "hat day," I can do that. Instead of purposefully prettying myself up.
There are probably more sections of the onion that I need to peel off. But I highly doubt that they will be as painful nor as liberating as this was. I still have bad habits, my body still becomes numb when it thinks it is dealing with too much pain. But for once in my life, I feel like maybe I am important enough for people to care about. Though I still have some self esteem issues, it is easier for me to see the good in me (as the list above indicates).
For any of my readers who have been abused... there is hope. Peace can be in store for you, if you turn to the only one who can fully heal you. Our Lord, our God.
Having something so traumatic like that happen is damaging in many different ways. Many times it gets to the point where the survivor can't trust anyone, even themselves. I was certainly like that (once again, look back in the archives if you want to read about it), I couldn't trust my husband, I couldn't trust my parents, I couldn't trust God, I couldn't trust myself... no one. Anyone could be just wanting to hurt me. I think I still very likely have a huge issue with trust, particularly of strangers, but I think it has slacked off a bit.
It has been said that the healing time for people who have been abused is a 15 year-life sentence.
A few weeks ago I knelt down and prayed. I had done so many times in my life before, begging to be healed. I almost hated the phrase, "ask and ye shall receive." How many freaking times do I have to ask to be healed?! I longed to hear the phrase, "be thou healed." But it never seemed to fit God's schedule I suppose. I don't know.
There have been times in my life where I thought I had been healed only to find that there was still something hidden, still something that pained me to the point where I knew for a fact that I really wasn't. Which is mainly the reason why I didn't want to share and blab about this experience. Who knows... maybe I still have part of the onion to uncover. Very likely. Abuse is always more than the original act, it is abuse heaped upon abuse, over and over. It makes sense that to heal, you have to peal those layers away.
This morning though (not this morning, as in today... but the day referenced above... weeks ago), I knelt down, sobbing. I laid my hands out as if presenting my pain and sorrow as an offering and pleaded. "Please," I sobbed, "take this away! I can't live like this anymore!" I hated pushing my husband away because I was uncomfortable. I hated hurting him like that. I couldn't live with that sort of pain anymore. Pro Boxer is infinitely better for me than I deserve. So patient. He never complained about my issues. He always put himself second in this regard. I won't ever be able to repay him. And I hated hurting him (or at least imagining that I was hurting him).
*wipes away tears...
It probably wasn't sudden. But soon after I begged and pleaded harder than I ever remember doing so before, I almost felt empty inside. Not the hollow/numb kind of empty. More like the pain and sorrow that I had been harboring inside of me was instantly gone and instead peace replaced it. The tears didn't stop, but the reason for those bitter tears was gone. I looked up, my heart feeling like it was a hot air balloon. The feeling was amazing. I doubt I could ever describe it with enough justice. Slowly, I stood up, and though I had been kneeling for sometime, my legs didn't feel prickly. Instead, I almost felt light headed, as if I was about to faint. Yet, it wasn't a physical lightheadedness. This may or may not make any sense, but it was more as if my spirit was lightheaded. There was nothing wrong with me physically, but instead, I felt free. Free doesn't begin to describe it. I literally felt as if I was going to collapse, but not because my body needed to, but because my spirit needed to. I started to wonder if this is how "normal" people feel all the time, with no burden of abuse to weigh them down. It was like I was no longer walking, but rather floating.
Since then, I have not had any problem with being physically intimate with my husband. My anger doesn't flare up as easily nor as quickly. I talk quieter instead of louder when my kids are being trying. And even now, as I recollect and think back on it, I feel the same way as I did then. I feel better about myself and my looks. I can look in the mirror and think, "hmm... maybe people are right and I really am quite good looking," more often than I did before. Even times when I am having a "hat day," I can do that. Instead of purposefully prettying myself up.
There are probably more sections of the onion that I need to peel off. But I highly doubt that they will be as painful nor as liberating as this was. I still have bad habits, my body still becomes numb when it thinks it is dealing with too much pain. But for once in my life, I feel like maybe I am important enough for people to care about. Though I still have some self esteem issues, it is easier for me to see the good in me (as the list above indicates).
For any of my readers who have been abused... there is hope. Peace can be in store for you, if you turn to the only one who can fully heal you. Our Lord, our God.
4 comments:
I am so glad for you! Thank you for sharing, not just your struggles, but your triumphs too. I'm so glad you are feeling better and life is looking up for you.
Such a great post! I'm so happy things are going well for you! You absolutley deserve it!
At the very beginning when you mentioned you even did not trust yourself, i really am concerned about you and your situation. However, at the end of the story, i can feel the real soul of you who finally find the value of living on and really appreciate it. Honestly, i am glad to see that. Hope you can enjoy the rest of you life and find your own way to heal yourself. I think the Lord is right just there.
Hooray! Thanks for posting this! God's healing power is certainly great!
Even so, I'll keep praying for you, dear sis!
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