Oh! I remembered!

Remember this post?

Okay... here's the deal. I remembered what I wanted to talk about. And I know it is late. And I know I have already posted two posts tonight already. But I want to get this down before I forget again.

Here goes.

December 14th is the 3rd anniversary of Little Angel's death. If you REALLY wanted to, you can go back in the archives and read about how things were for me back then. I may just do that myself, as this is pretty much the only journal I have kept in probably all those years.

I think that a part of me tries to forget the exact date of when we woke up to find his body cold. But another part is constantly reminding me. I love the winter. I truly do. The snow is excessively beautiful. Yet, despite the gloriously wonderful Christmas holiday, and being able to spend time with family, I always find myself somewhat sad around this time. Which is understandable I suppose.

The summer after Little Angel died, I had a pretty hard time. I can only really account for it by saying that even with the Lord's help, I still had to grieve, and maybe it was around that time when my friends and family slowed their prayers on my behalf. Or maybe it was just that it was the time of family reunions, and the newest member of my family had been lost. You can (again) go back in the archives and find out how I was doing... I am pretty sure I posted something about what I will briefly describe here.

I had a sister who was pregnant the same time I was pregnant with Little Angel. Hence her son and mine would be the same age had Little Angel not... well died. I think I try to forget that (meaning how close in age the two would be) as well. But so soon after his death, and we all got together that summer... I remember a time when she got her son to laugh while we were all there in my dad's camper. I don't particularly remember how I felt at that time, but I am pretty sure that my eyes saddened. Wishing that I could have heard Little Angel's laugh. My ever sensitive sister picked up on my mood and hence stopped getting him to laugh. I think I left soon after so that she wouldn't feel pressured to not have others enjoy her son.

This Christmas they came to visit. I don't think they ever came very often for Christmas before, but they lived farther away then. Sad as it may seem, I think I had put her son from my mind. Didn't even really remember him. Sure I only really see him every year or so, but at the time, I think I had just forgotten about him. Or forcibly pushed him from my mind. Whatever the case, I had never remembered that he was the same age as my Little Angel would be. Not until this Christmas. When we were spending time with him, and he was walking, running, playing, and talking with my sons.

Though I wish it weren't true, the pain will always be there. I cannot say how much I can't wait for the second coming of Christ and have the millennium begin for then (I believe... though I don't think many of us on Earth know much about that time) I can see, hold, and hug Little Angel again. I don't think I have spent much time grieving for him on here... It may be because I didn't want anyone to see my weakness. I don't know if that is the reason, or I just pushed the pain away like I do with any other pain I have. Old habits are hard to break. Whatever the case, I wanted to share that with you all. I wish I would have remembered and been able to post it a bit closer to the date.

At least I haven't forgotten.