Confidence - or lack thereof

I don't have much confidence in ... pretty much anything.  I am confident that I can knit or cross-stitch amazing things.  I have (or at least had) confidence in my trumpet playing.  That confidence is disappearing slowly the more days pass and I haven't picked it up.

And well, that's about it.

Ironically, knitting and cross-stitching are things that really hurt my hands/wrists.  Heh.  Go figure.

Recently I've found that my confidence seems to dwindle in kempo.  Let's be clear - kempo is one thing that is so far out of my comfort zone, that it is almost amazing that I even started it, so it is clear that I would struggle with confidence in that.  However, despite my new shiny (okay, it doesn't really shine) green belt, my confidence has the ability to disappear quickly during a kempo session, and I just realized what might be the case.

Confidence is connected to strength - I think everyone can agree on that.  I am pretty certain I am not strong - in many ways.  People tell me otherwise, but I can never accept it and make excuses as to why that is the case (but this isn't the post for that).  So - confidence is pretty equal to strength in my mind.  When I struggle with a technique in kempo for whatever reason, even if the reason is I just learned it, I get frustrated and feel weaker in kempo in general.  On top of that, confidence is not letting your weakness show.  Sensei and even Star and Sandpaper seem to be able to see that weakness on my face almost instantly.  Whether it looks like fear, or whatever, I never know... but they see it - and then the little amount of confidence I might have had disappears, and then the spiral continues, and more weakness shows, and .... etc...  There is no degrading in kempo at all - except what I do to myself.  Though they see my weakness, they don't treat me like I'm horrible... that's all me.

Okay, so now that I figured that out, one time when Sensei drove me home from a restaurant that we ate at after kempo, I told him all of this.  There have been many times during class when he would say "have confidence!" and that would naturally make my confidence disappear again - because he could clearly see that I wasn't being confident.  So after I told him what I figured out about how I saw confidence and why it dwindles in kempo, he said that he would have to work to help me gain my confidence.  I kind of laughed to myself inside feeling like I've entered a relationship similar to the one I had with The King (look through other posts if you forgot who he was), and again, not seeing a way for him to help.

Yesterday at kempo, Sensei did something that he hadn't done before.  After the warm up, we do basic training, sometimes paired, sometimes not.  We happened to do it paired and I paired with Star (which frequently happens, probably partly because we stand near each other all the time - the girls gotta stick together!).  The technique was this: one of us aims a punch at the gut of the other - then they block it and kick back.  I let Star attack me first.  Sensei came up as we started and stood behind Star.  He said to Star, "Get her ... get her!"  My internal reaction was, "Like I'll let you!"  I'm not sure how my facial expression changed, but I'm sure it did.  That feeling ... was interesting.  And I can only connect it to confidence.  With Star, I do have confidence that I can block faster than she can punch.  Of course, that confidence made way to fear when I paired up with Sandpaper or Sensei later.

As I think back on it now, it almost makes me irritated at Sensei.  Or maybe more irritated at myself.  I played right into his hands and let myself feel confident that I could block.  Which... is a silly thing to think, I suppose, unless of course I plan on never having confidence.  On that note, I'm not really sure, to be honest.  If I hadn't already decided that I would never have confidence why do I so adamantly deny any power or strength?

Well, that can be a subject for another post.

Tooth Fairy that looks surprisingly like my kempo sensei...

When Bug told me that his teeth (the two on the sides of the two middle-bottom ones) were wiggly, despite just how wiggly they were, I decided to just let them find their own way out this time instead of forcing him to endure me yanking them.

Well it just so happens that Bug lost one of them at kempo.  He's taking kempo too - if I haven't mentioned that yet.  Before their first class at the beginning of a week, they clean off the floor, because that is part of the philosophy - take care of your stuff, or the dojo - things like that.  So what they do is all the kids grab a towel and they push it across the floor.  Apparently Bug and the other smallest kid tend to slip - the whole middle section of the floor has had the finishing rubbed off it, and now it is very slippery.  Yeah, you guessed it.  Bug face planted it and lost one of his loose teeth.  He might have been somewhat upset by it, but he took it like a trooper and went back to class after Sandpaper (mentioned in the last post - he helps with the kids class) helped him wash out his mouth.

The adult class went to a restaurant after our class to celebrate my advancement to green belt, and sensei offered to pay the one dollar tooth fairy fee.  I thought it was nice to offer, but really - it's only a dollar, and it isn't like it's sensei's fault the floor is slippery.

On another Bug related note, he will be taking his test to advance to a yellow belt soon.  He got the drive to do it after I got my green one, which makes me happy.  He has mentioned a few times that he wants to stop kempo, but knowing how much it is helping me, I hoped to keep him motivated in it.  It can be hard at the beginning, but I think it is helping him learn how to focus more, and that is one thing that Bug needs to work on.

"Happy" birthday

Well, here are the annual pictures.

Bug seems to know what they are for, but Goof Ball doesn't.  Goof Ball seems to still be oblivious to the fact that he has another brother that he just hasn't met yet.  When he gets older, I suppose.  Maybe some day he'll ask who the picture on the wall is.  At least he hasn't ever had a fit when we send the balloons out.  I was worried about that once upon a time.

My kempo sensei is the best.  I'm glad I had kempo yesterday to look forward to, and then when it came, to be able to kick until my body couldn't take it anymore.  What surprised me after that though, was the overwhelming desire or need to sob after my anger was out.  I collapsed on the ground and tried to breathe deeply because of the workout I just had, but it felt more like hyperventilating as I held in my screams.  Sensei walked past behind me and patted me on the back as he went to talk to the person taking a test that day.  Star and Sandpaper (two of my really good friends) started kempo before me and helped convince me to come - and they came over and put their arms around me.

Sandpaper said, "she kicked too much" in Japanese.

I responded, "No, actually I'm on the verge of sobbing."

Even though Sandpaper said I could sob if I needed to, just the fact that they were there and comforting me helped me get back under control.  I told them I might get the sobbing out later when I was alone, but I actually didn't.  Even now I kind of want to say "I want to cry," but I don't really know if I can.  Which makes me think that it's possible that I numbed myself instead of accept anything when Star and Sandpaper were comforting me.  And even though I have lots of things to do before tonight, I'm apathetic and can't get myself to do anything.

Truthfully, yesterday I kind of wished that it was possible for me to be able to forget everything.  "How could you even think about forgetting your own child?!" some people might ask.  Well - when remembering rips my chest to pieces, forgetting sounds pretty good, doesn't it?  Even if I could get everyone around me to not mention it, my own body would be against me though.  I know from experience - forgetting isn't exactly as easy as it maybe should be.  I absolutely loathe the phrase "forgive and forget."  Forgive, sure... but for some things forgetting is impossible.  And I have two things in my life that I wish I could forget.  Often the pain of them combines together and feels the same.  It's the same heart wrenching literally ripping kind of pain.  After my happy protective bubble popped sometime last year people have told me, "It's probably a good thing that now you can feel those emotions you've been suppressing."

Yeah, maybe it is a good thing.  Maybe it's a sign of growth, and of healing.  But right now it's paralyzing.  Right now it makes me want to kick things as hard as I possibly can.  I guess at the very least, I can be glad that I'm in a situation where I can kick things as hard as I possibly can and not hurt anyone (including me) because that would just make me feel worse.

So "happy" birthday, Little Angel.  When I should be smiling as I watch you grow, or worrying about what presents I should get you, or what kind of cake I should make, I'm drowning instead.  Drowning in my own suppressed tears because I don't seem able to get them all out.

*and for the record - this post seems to have accomplished what it was supposed to... i think i'm gonna go sob in my room now until i'm numb again...

Healthy Diet (Uso desho?!)

Okay, yes, I am the first to admit that I believed I never would have been able to enjoy a healthy diet.  I mean, look at what my blog is named, after all.

I truthfully don't know what kick started it.  It might have been a whole summer of doing extreme exercise (possibly even more extreme than my 13 years of dance as I grew up), and my body just naturally wanted more healthy things and less sugar to fuel it.  It might have been having my health examination thing for Pro Boxer's work and got sick and tired of seeing his perfectly normal and nothing even in the mild warning, and my body fat and cholesterol levels in the extreme warning.  I'm not entirely certain which one it was.  I'd like to say that my fascination for all things Japan also might have fueled it - sometime in my second year of taking Japanese classes, I started disliking the idea of a sweet breakfast.

Pro Boxer asked me as we started getting out of bed one day, "What do you want for breakfast?"

I responded, "Rice."

"Just rice?"

"I don't think I want just rice, but I can't think of anything else that I would want with it..."

For someone who loves cold cereal (ahem... me), that was a strange conversation to have.  So it is possible that my fascination for Japanese things also might have spurred it all on.  More than likely it is a combination of them all.

After getting back my results from the healthy lifestyle examination thing, it came with a booklet about how to improve your diet.  And I actually read through it.  O.o  And tore the pages out that I needed most and put them on my fridge.  Then I made a few simple starting points and wrote them on the white board on my front door:

Butter not margarine
High fructose corn syrup
more fruits & veggies

Instead of going through my pantry and getting rid of the things that I was avoiding, I just continued to eat them until they were gone, and then started buying things that did fit the criteria.  I'm also trying to avoid processed (mainly freezer meals), but I'm not cutting them out entirely.  Those chicken quesadillas that Pro Boxer gets from Sam's Club are just too tasty to never buy them again, and who doesn't love a good fish stick meal every now and again?

All that said, however, we still have margarine in the house.  I wasn't sure how to change my lifestyle enough to have butter around - when it doesn't spread if left in the fridge where it is supposed to be.  Instead, we moved to Smart Balance.  Yes, that is a margarine name.  And apparently it is good for balancing out cholesterol.  (Score!)  It doesn't spread nearly as well as Not-Butter, but it spreads better than butter, so I went with it.

Despite how HFCS is crossed off above, my sweet tooth isn't entirely quenched.  So I have allowed myself one high sweet "serving" in one day.  Once I had that rule in place, there were a few days when I didn't have any.  Because I didn't want to "waste" my high sugar treat, and then by the end of the day, nothing sounded good anymore, so I didn't force myself to have anything.  Oh, there is plenty around to tempt me, especially when I go to the store.  However, it seems that lately I look at the candy isle and think... "Nah, I don't really want that," and the temptation isn't nearly as strong as it once was.  I even have *gasp!* Halloween Oreos hiding above my sink.  I haven't touched them in weeks.  Blasphemous, right?

On top of the sugar rule, I have been really trying hard to drink more water.  I think that one rule I fail at more than others.  Depending on if we go to restaurants also makes a difference with my "one high sugar thing a day" rule, because as far as something to drink - if we are talking fast food, the only drink that sounds even remotely tasty, is Dr Pepper, and there were a few times when I went to a restaurant twice in one day, and hence - had twice the Dr Pepper.  I have an app for my iPhone that once my weight is plugged in, helps me track my water intake (and reminds me every hour and half) to get the best amount of water.  I've reached 100% only twice.  We are trying to remedy that, but water still is... pretty nasty to me. >_<

All this has narrowed down to one thing:

I had baby carrots, toast, and water for lunch.  A peach shall be my dessert once I finish this post (and it doesn't count as my high sugar serving - because it is healthy sugar ^_^).  Truthfully, I couldn't handle even a half serving of the carrots without adding ranch, but hey, ranched carrots are better than no carrots - and I didn't cover them in the ranch, I had a reasonable amount.  Carrots are surprisingly sweet, if you pay attention to the taste.  It surprised me when my friend told me that, but then when I had one, I was surprised to taste it.

I've taken a fond liking of Grape Nuts.  I gave my friend one and after she sampled it, she said, "Why do people force themselves to eat this stuff?"  We've had enough confession time in this post, so why  not mention this?  I really like it.  I add some raspberries or strawberries, or if there is a berry shortage in the house, I just use honey, and it is just as tasty.  It has been my chosen breakfast for at least 2 weeks.  One serving has 7 grams (se-ven grams!!) of fiber, and usually I have two servings for one breakfast.

Again, this post doubled in size (from what I envisioned in my mind) once I started typing it, but I will also mention the fact that I'm actually counting my calories.  Never thought that would happen.  I'm too particular about the numbers that I worry that they would be off, or I didn't measure it right, or whatever.

Well, I have another app - it's called "Lose it."  It was free.  There are all sorts of ways to enter foods into it.  From scanning bar codes to adding your own recipes!  In the exercise section, you can add housework to your exercise and it gives you an estimate of how much you might have burned!  There is even an option to put trumpet playing in there, and it will tell you how many calories you burned.  Crazy...  To make things even more mind blown - I actually enjoy counting my calories.  I've gone over my calorie count only twice since I started it.  When I change my weight (because it is going down) my calorie budget goes down.  Which makes sense, after I thought about it.

So yeah.  This sugar loving woman is eating more healthy, and it is astonishing.  I hope this in combination with kempo will help (finally!) get rid of the baby weight I accumulated from my three kids.

P.S - if you are too lazy to look up what the Japanese phrase is in the title, it essentially means, "You're lying, right?!"

Nightmare cures

So I found out by accident how to fix the nightmares (and the back aches, and headaches, and neck aches that I was having by sleeping with two wiggly boys).  One night Goof Ball came back upstairs after putting the kids to bed and said he was scared of spiders and then started walking to our room to sleep in the master.  I tried to convince him to go back to his room, saying that Bug was there, and he shouldn't be scared.  He ended up crying on the floor and I gently picked him up and carried him downstairs.  When I put him in his bed, he started to get back out of it, and I worried that he was trying to go back upstairs, and again tried to convince him to stay in his bed.

"I need to stay with Bug!" he said.

And I stood there, taken aback, as Goof Ball answered all of my questions.  He got his blanket and pillow and took it to the twin bed that Bug sleeps in.  Since then I have not had kids in my bed when I wake up, and I can only assume that they've been sleeping together each night.

Bug's testimony: "I don't have bad dreams when Goof Ball is with me."

Well that's good.  Maybe they got used to community sleeping or something throughout the nightmare epidemic.  But at least they found their own solution.

October

And now me.

"I'm not happy, Bob.  NOT HAPPY."

And I'm sick and tired of pretending that I am.  Why in the hell would I be happy that my child died?

Ok, let's back up.

In case you didn't know, October is the month Little Angel was born.  So October is a pretty sore month anyway.  But also in case you didn't know, October is SIDS awareness month.  Heh.  Coincidence has a pretty horrible sense of humor.

Kind-meaning friends tag me in posts on Bacefook dealing with SIDS thinking they ... oh I don't know, are being helpful?  Stabbing my chest?  Giving me an internet hug?  I have enough reminders around this time of year (the only two months he saw), and I'm not sure I need more reminders on Bacefook.  I've thought about disappearing from the internet planet for a whole month, but that is probably very unlikely to happen.

Oh, I'm sure we'll celebrate Little Angel's birthday the same way we do every year (this year it will be 6 balloons), but so far, it hasn't healed my broken heart.  I almost wonder if it just makes me more angry.

Yes, I'm angry.  So angry, in fact, that I asked my kempo teacher if we could kick things a lot that day (it just so happens that it's the same day this year that I have a kempo class), and when I told him why I had a specific day that I wanted to kick things, he said, "I will let you kick to your heart's content!"

Fantastic.  At least this year, I know I have some pretty helpful therapy sessions twice a week.  Who knows what day of the week his death day falls on, but I almost sincerely hope it is a Tuesday or Thursday.

Dream Catcher

So there's this little game out there called Plants vs. Zombies.

Bug watched a friend play it one day while we were hanging out at their house.  And then the nightmares came.

I think it has been, oh... a month or so and Bug has been scared of going to sleep every night.  He keeps talking about how he has "bad thoughts" (he doesn't want to say the word "zombies") and wants to watch movies before he goes to sleep so he can have "good thoughts."  I have tried to help him by saying to ask Heavenly Father for help, or singing his favorite primary song, or... oh, I have tried all sorts of things.  I even pulled out my old dream catcher (the thing I needed to get out of the garage mentioned in the last post) to see if that would help.  I remember that the dream catcher helped me not have bad dreams.

Last night when we had the blessing on the dinner, Bug said "and please help the dream catcher to work" among other pleas to have good dreams.  I still woke up to both kids in my bed with me.  Goof Ball is scared to be downstairs without his brother.

Anyway, maybe it is just the season, or something, or the fact that it is getting darker earlier... I don't know what, but Bug's worst nightmare is zombies - and Goof Ball is scared of spiders.

I don't remember all of Bug's nightmares, but probably the most striking (and most terrifying?) is this one: We were in the delivery room to have another baby and the doctor came in to deliver, but the doctor wasn't a doctor, he was a scientist and when he delivered the baby, he turned it into a zombie.  *shudder... I can see how that would scare a 7 year old.

Super Grover! To the rescue!!!

Once upon a time Pro Boxer and I went on a date to Borders (you know, when it still existed...) and we found a stuffed Grover toy.  I giggled as I picked it up and shoved it in Pro Boxer's face.

"Near!" I said, then ran a distance away from him, making sure to have Grover's arms and legs flailing the whole time.

Then I turned around and said, "Far!"

Lather, rinse, repeat.  (or just repeat - over and over and over.)  Naturally we had to get the doll, so we did.  I can't remember if we got it then, or if Pro Boxer bought it for me as a present, but anyway - we have it now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZhEcRrMA-M

So Goof Ball is going to preschool again this year and at the beginning of the year, the teachers told me what their goals were for him.  Apparently he didn't understand the difference between near and far (see where I'm going with this?).  I just nodded and kept listening to them, thinking about the Grover movie (see link above).  A few days after when I needed to get something from the garage I dug out the Grover doll that had been put in my "memories" box.  When I got back in the house, I shoved the doll in Goof Ball's face and said, "Near!"

And well... yeah.  He giggled.  A lot.  And when he started doing it with me, I let him take over the control of the Grover doll and we watched the movie.  I had it a bit wrong, and Grover is more entertaining on the video, but well... he got it in that one 5-10 min sitting, and I just had to smile to myself.

Just wait, it gets better.

Just a few days ago I got a call from his preschool and his teacher said that he already met one of his goals.  I held back asking what one it was (even though I already guessed it) until they told me on their own and told me what the next step for that goal was.  I just smiled to myself and said, "Yeah, that's fine."  After I hung up I had a good laugh.  I thought about telling them about Grover, but I figured I'd tell them when I next saw them in person.