"Happy" birthday

Well, here are the annual pictures.

Bug seems to know what they are for, but Goof Ball doesn't.  Goof Ball seems to still be oblivious to the fact that he has another brother that he just hasn't met yet.  When he gets older, I suppose.  Maybe some day he'll ask who the picture on the wall is.  At least he hasn't ever had a fit when we send the balloons out.  I was worried about that once upon a time.

My kempo sensei is the best.  I'm glad I had kempo yesterday to look forward to, and then when it came, to be able to kick until my body couldn't take it anymore.  What surprised me after that though, was the overwhelming desire or need to sob after my anger was out.  I collapsed on the ground and tried to breathe deeply because of the workout I just had, but it felt more like hyperventilating as I held in my screams.  Sensei walked past behind me and patted me on the back as he went to talk to the person taking a test that day.  Star and Sandpaper (two of my really good friends) started kempo before me and helped convince me to come - and they came over and put their arms around me.

Sandpaper said, "she kicked too much" in Japanese.

I responded, "No, actually I'm on the verge of sobbing."

Even though Sandpaper said I could sob if I needed to, just the fact that they were there and comforting me helped me get back under control.  I told them I might get the sobbing out later when I was alone, but I actually didn't.  Even now I kind of want to say "I want to cry," but I don't really know if I can.  Which makes me think that it's possible that I numbed myself instead of accept anything when Star and Sandpaper were comforting me.  And even though I have lots of things to do before tonight, I'm apathetic and can't get myself to do anything.

Truthfully, yesterday I kind of wished that it was possible for me to be able to forget everything.  "How could you even think about forgetting your own child?!" some people might ask.  Well - when remembering rips my chest to pieces, forgetting sounds pretty good, doesn't it?  Even if I could get everyone around me to not mention it, my own body would be against me though.  I know from experience - forgetting isn't exactly as easy as it maybe should be.  I absolutely loathe the phrase "forgive and forget."  Forgive, sure... but for some things forgetting is impossible.  And I have two things in my life that I wish I could forget.  Often the pain of them combines together and feels the same.  It's the same heart wrenching literally ripping kind of pain.  After my happy protective bubble popped sometime last year people have told me, "It's probably a good thing that now you can feel those emotions you've been suppressing."

Yeah, maybe it is a good thing.  Maybe it's a sign of growth, and of healing.  But right now it's paralyzing.  Right now it makes me want to kick things as hard as I possibly can.  I guess at the very least, I can be glad that I'm in a situation where I can kick things as hard as I possibly can and not hurt anyone (including me) because that would just make me feel worse.

So "happy" birthday, Little Angel.  When I should be smiling as I watch you grow, or worrying about what presents I should get you, or what kind of cake I should make, I'm drowning instead.  Drowning in my own suppressed tears because I don't seem able to get them all out.

*and for the record - this post seems to have accomplished what it was supposed to... i think i'm gonna go sob in my room now until i'm numb again...