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Radioactive Cleaning Cloth Found In Band (screened for blogger use)
by King Jigglywiggly

Two students were working late after school on February 17 in the Procrastination High School band room, where they suddenly suffered sever loss of strength, intense nausea, and drastic decreases in popularity. They were found later, huddled in the percussion equipment room, rocking back and forth on their heels and reciting lines from an expired Dungeons and Dragons handbook.

The two were instantly transported to the Gesundheit E.R., where they were pronounced dead. They were then taken to a more expensive hospital, where their condition was upgraded to "okey-dokey."

The Procrastination High School band room was called into question. Several teams of "experts" examined the room the Monday after, using infra-red goggles, metal detectors, and lie detectors. All they found was a lying, cheating, red-hot metallic mouse. However, after they resorted to using a dosimeter (instrument used to measure radiation), they found the source of the problem.

Most of the band students (or band jocks, as they prefer), store their instruments (or tools of the trade, as they prefer), in the band room instrument closet. Inside this closet was found a piece of highly-radioactive material stored in a clarinet case. The substance appeared to be an old cleaning cloth, which, ironically, was incredibly dirty.

The owner of the clarinet was brought in for questioning. "I never knew it was radioactive, and I've been playing it for years!" The student proceeded to transform into a purple, multi-tentacled mutant, strangling the questioners, and stealing all the wood pencils in the school. Animal Control was brought in and took down the beast, after accidentally tranquilizing fourteen onlookers.

After receiving this sort of a reaction from the student, the new team of investigators was reasonably apprehensive about approaching Johnny Trombone, the band teacher (lovingly dubbed Mr. T by the band), a man who spends almost all of his time in the band room. Deciding against interviewing Mr. T, the investigators took a different road.

Securing themselves behind a two-foot-thick wall of bulletproof glass, the investigators brought in three members of the band for interrogation. These interrogations ended when the investigators realized that they couldn't hear the shouted answers through the glass. The three band "jocks" were paid for their time in bottle caps, then sent home.

Despite the fierce efforts to solve the mystery of the radioactive cleaning cloth, the case was closed, still unsolved. Many factors lead to the end of investigations. One inspector found a trumpet thrown through his pickup's windshield, and another woke to find bottle caps nailed to his door forming the word "jerk." Fearing any other possible musical retributions, the case was closed. However, there is always a chance for the skeptic to do his or her own sleuthing, and whoever desires to know more about this incident, try contacting Mr. Trombone or one of the band jocks. Just make sure to call animal control first.

Shay here now... ^_^ So yeah, I was looking through old papers the other day and found one of my old high school papers in there. Wondering why I would keep such a thing, I surveyed through it. I found this article and suddenly remembered. This was the soul reason for me keeping this paper. So anyway... I thought I'd write it on here so I wouldn't have to keep it anymore. Also I thought you all could use a good laugh. This was written in the April 1st (April Fool's Day) episode by my good friend. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!!! ^_^