First things first, I was planning on posting this yesterday, but life got crazy and I didn't have a spare moment.
Well, it is October. Yesterday morning Bug and I went for a walk and gave a new mother in our ward a package of size one diapers that Little Angel didn't get to use. I have had like... three or more of them, unopened, sitting around in the house for well... about a year. I didn't know what to do with them, then decided to share them with new mothers. This particular mother was a trooper I hear. She did it all naturally, and plus..... her baby was over NINE POUNDS!!! I couldn't believe it! Well, I could believe the size of her new little baby since she was quite huge for a while, but the fact that it was a "natural birth" with no epidural... needless to say I was proud of her. It made me remember how accomplished I felt after Little Angel's birth.
After I dropped off the diapers, we walked home and commenced with the lunch-time. I can't remember all that happened perfectly, since I slept off most of my anger and frustrations, and now I just can't remember the day as well, but after he slept, we headed out on another walk to give another sister in our ward a can of Enfamil that we can't use once again, it was sent by the company (you can sign up to get vouchers and samples when you give birth) to us. It has been sitting around for a bit now as well. She just had her baby and I told her once upon a time that if she needed it, she could have it. She asked me while Bug was asleep if I still had it and I told her yup and that I'd head over after Bug woke up.
We went over there and delivered it and headed back out. Between both of these sister's apartments and mine there is a big play area with a plastic playground just like at a park. The first time, Bug didn't mention anything about it (I was shocked) but the second time, he wouldn't hear of passing it without going down the slide. I think we have a little thriller on our hands. Not just cause of that, but other things, and I won't get into that now. Anyway, so I figured...why not? There were two other kids there playing with their parent's watching, so I figured I'd let him play a little before dinner. I was sitting on the little wall as the first new mother I visited that day (let me know what you want your code name to be... ^_^) and her husband (same goes to you ^_^) walked past with their new baby in a stroller (by the way... she gave birth just last Friday...) far enough away that I had to look through the playground and yell to them to see me. But I did and waved.
Then the first pangs of pain came. I wanted to go talk to them and goggle over their baby like another couple from my ward did as they were there in my sights, but I knew I couldn't do it. The pain would be too much. I just sat there as my heart ached and watched them from a far. This particular sister is such an example to me. She is always happy and smiling, and is always there to lift another sister up. Of course she doesn't know the thoughts and intents of my heart and I was too chicken to get near her baby to ask her for something as simple as a hug. Plus it is hard for me to ask for help. Probably means I'm proud. Whatever the reason, I just sat there watching them stand there for about 15 or so minutes. I felt like if I would look away the pain would subside. It didn't. Well, it did a little... but the fact of the matter is I kept looking at them. I was like mesmerized even though I knew that if I looked away the pain wouldn't be so bad. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but still...
I was wondering what I would do this month of all months. Half of me wants to fall into the pain and never get up. The other half doesn't want this time of the year to be depressing every year. Last mother's day I was depressed the morning and the day before it. Then I decided that I didn't want to get depressed that day. I had a great day. Something tells me it won't be quite so easy this time. But maybe? Who knows?
I still don't know what I'm going to do on the 24th. It is almost the year anniversary for my blog too... If you go look at the first or second post I had you would find out Little Angel's birthday. Yeah, it is this month.
So I cleaned my house like crazy today. My lower back hurts but the sink doesn't stink anymore, I have a new runner on the table (the Halloween one...thanks mom!) oh, and it (meaning the table) has been wiped down, oh and I'm sure the carpet feels nice. I have socks on so I hadn't felt it since I vacuumed.
Happy October everyone. Let's hope I can get through it without running back to my counselor...
2 comments:
Oh, my dear sweet Sherrie Lynn. If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free. We are forever linked by things that have happened. I have thought of you often over the past month but the past two days you have been in my thoughts constantly and my prayers. There is always someone feeling your pain (to an extent probably closer than you realize). Let me tell you something. That day when I went to your house I didn't know what had happened. When Justin opened that door and told me I felt as though it had been my own child. I don't know how esle to describe it. I believe that things happen when you have certain callings and while I was there to help you Heavenly Father felt that the best way I could help you was to feel it as if he had been my own. After, I left your house that day all I did was cry and cry some more. I had no desire to do anything. I truly felt like I had lost a piece of me. We will forever be linked please use me if you ever need anything. I know how are things must be. don't hold it in turn to those willing to help you.
you're awesome! if you ever need someone to play with Bug so you can have a few minutes alone, let me know. I am sure your little angel is proud to have you as his mom. you are so strong and so spiritually in tuned. hang in there, you can do it! and you know there are lots of us who are willing to help if you need (I know how it is to be stubborn) just call, any time of day. thanks again for all you've done for us!
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