First off, I want to apoligize to my readers, who ever you may be. I hope there won't be many more depressing posts, but I can't gaurentee that seeing as I can't see the future. Now if I were Alice in Twilight...
Anyway, keep reading if you want to. You have been warned.
Today as I was on the bus to Jazz Band, we past by the cemetery where Little Angel was buried. It is kind of inevitable that I should keep seeing the cemetery seeing as my apartment complex is right by it. For some reason when the bus gets to a certain part I remember walking with a good friend as she tried to stay in shape while she was 8 months pregnant, and I was trying to get my baby fat to disappear. Yes, she was mentioned in one of my previous posts (just had her baby, over nine pounds, natural birth, amazing... you get the picture).
Remembering her made me want to go visit her today. I realized I have kind of been avoiding her, though I want to see her so much 'cause she is such an inspiration for me. She is truly an angel in disguise. Why would I want to avoid someone so amazing she lifts the spirit of a room by just being in it? I guess it might be kind of selfish of me, but I don't want to be in any close proximity to an infant. Almost like I'm scared of them.
I have another friend in my ward that recently had a baby. This baby was a preemie and had to be in the hospital for almost a month or close to that. The sister I'm talking about is kind of quiet and we haven't really had much to do with each other since I have a tendency to fall in to my quiet nature as well. We are just starting a friendship and she is really an amazing woman and she is really sweet. She almost reminds me of my sister, Texas Mom. But guess what? Even though I want to go see her 'cause I bet we are both lonely, it is the same thing. I don't want to get anywhere near close to an infant for fear that I would break down into tears.
In any case, after I realized on the way to band today that I was avoiding people I wanted to be close to just 'cause they have a baby and I don't, I started to wonder what the right thing to do is. When I went to visit these two sisters that one day (once again referring to an earlier post... which happens to be the same one I mentioned earlier... maybe I'll go find the link for you...) I put up a pretty good facade. I'm good at that. I have had years of experience pretending that everything is Ok even though I may feel like my world is falling apart. I drew on that experience. I knew how to pretend. It is something I know how to do. But is it right? I don't want to feel the pain so maybe it is. I have been able to numb my emotions before, why not do it now? Course, then I wouldn't feel positive emotions either... maybe that isn't the best solution.
So what do I do? Embrace the pain or keep running? Keep hiding under my careful mask? Break down and let all the people who have said "You're so strong, Shay" know just how really not strong I am? Sure it is great to tell people that, but it has been making me feel like I need to live up to something. Like I do need to be strong like they say and that breaking down and crying would be like giving up.
A good friend of mine today said that he didn't recognize me today 'cause I looked different. Then we proceeded to talk about my appearance to decide what was different. He went to get his trumpet. When he got back he realized why I looked different. He said I looked "contemplative". Made me wonder if I was always ditsy so much that he wouldn't even recognize me when I was thinking hard about something. Anyway, I was thinking about what I just wrote to you all. Now it is out there for the world to see and to make of it what they will.
But in any case, when he brought that up, it made me think of things that I didn't want to. Just 'cause I sighed and he mentioned it wasn't reason enough to go stalking off in a huff. This friend stands next to me in Jazz Band, and he noticed my "contemplativeness" right before. We went to take the yearly picture and I sighed and tried to mask my face enough to want to smile. Besides I had dressed up for this particular thing. I would have much rather had a "hoodie day".
We got back inside and started playing. I broke. I needed to get my emotions out so much that I had played better and more aggressive than I had in years. I doubt the teacher noticed. When it came to me I was mearly invisable to him unless he wanted to unleach some critizism. When I came to a rest or something, my heart would ache. I didn't want to stop playing. My heart couldn't take it. I have never had such a strong reaction to playing so much before. When I had to rest 'cause the song told me to, and especially during an improv solo, I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall behind me and got into the music more then I ever had. I needed that release. Since I wasn't playing I had to get into the music a different way. So I did. I hope I didn't freak my brother, Mr. Huzzah, out too much...
The only song where it was a relief to rest from playing was a ballad. It is intitled "My One and Only Love". When I played my trumpet for that song, it was more painful then when my trumpet was off my face. I wanted to play "Groovin' Hard" again. It is the kind of song where a little extra push isn't out of the ordinary, though I did try to keep my emotions in enough check that I played soft when I needed to.
Anyway, so after all this reading (are you with me stiil anyway? Did I lose some of my traffic?) I still don't know what to do. Give up to the pain? Keep hiding until I burst? Is there even some happy medium? More importantly, should I not go visit the people I love and really want to visit just because they had a baby? The most important time to visit, at least for them? I don't know what the right thing is, and like most of my depressing posts, I just really needed to get it out. I do feel better.
Thanks for reading.
5 comments:
Shay, You are awesome. I am so glad you are able to express yourself, and yes, I did follow your post. The part that struck me the most is how "strong" you are, it made me think. I am the kind of person who hates to cry (I think it is mostly because I get a headache, but who knows) and as I read your post I realized how much stronger you have to be in order to cry. Emotions are SO Hard to deal with, facing them, and embracing them, and realizing that you hurt so much because you love so much is what takes strength. I don't think any of us are strong enough on our own to deal with life, just rely on the Lord and He will be your strength. Btw, go talk to your friends, and I'll bet they won't even care if you do start to cry.
I agree with Kathy. Also, remember that we all have trials at times we all just need a friend with a shoulder to allow us to cry on it. I'm sure that in everyone's life (at least I know in my own life and also in yours) that we all have things we deal with that aren't always obvious to others because we put on that "facade" and hope to "save face". Most people are so caught up in their own lives that they don't really look at others as hurting...so let it go by sharing it and having others realize the burden you have so that they can help you to carry it. You will see that it will be much easier when shared than when kept inside. Keep your head up the sun will shine again! Pray whenever you need to and know you are loved.
Jess :D
this is my favorite song, and thinking of you while listening to it brought tears to my eyes. we love you! (forgot how to link things. so you'll have to copy and paste, sorry) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQ32mceorS4
Shay,
You are an awsome Mom, wife, daughter, aunt, niece and whatever titles I have forgotten to mention here. Please do not forget that.
It is ok to mourn the loss of your son. Embrace it. Allow him to live in your memories. If you didnt hurt, you wouldnt have loved. If you love deeply, then you hurt deeply. Nothing to be ashamed of. Once you are through with the initial grieving, you will feel so much better.
Trust in God to carry you through this as He has carried you through other trials.
God places in our lives people that can help us in our times of need. Trust this my dear.
May God bless you with more than you could ever hope for.
Hugs to you and your family.
For me anyway, the hard thing is to share my sad emotions. I find that I'd rather keep them bottled up inside. However, as a gospel principle, everything physical is representative of something spiritual, and a wound on you body will fester and poison you if not allowed to bleed and get washed out from time to time so that it can heal completely and cleanly. Perhaps crying is the physical manifestation of allowing our wounds to bleed, so to speak. And sometimes leaving the wound alone is simply not enough. Sometimes you need outside help.
Hope that was helpful. :)
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