First you combine together in a small bowl one TB of yeast, 1/4 cup slightly warm water and 1 tsp. sugar in a small bowl. Set aside. Yeast should rise as it sits.
Then in a larger bowl combine together 1 1/2 cups of flour, 1/4 cup sugar, 1 tsp. salt and a dash of PPO.
Cut up 1/4 of butter and put in the middle of the flour mixture.
Heat up 1 cup of milk with a pinch of High Deductible powder until hot. Pour over the butter. Butter should melt.
Add one beaten egg, yeast mixture and 1 tsp. of FSA.
Gradually add approx. 2 cups of flour until workable. Stir until can't any more.
Knead until smooth.
Place in a greased bowl and let rise until double.
Punch down with a deductible. Place in a bread pan or shape into rolls. Let rise until double.
Bake @ 375. Rolls: 10-12 mins. Loaf: 15 mins.
My sister may recognize this recipe. I really do love it. If you take out the health insurance terms it makes a wicked loaf of bread, or really tasty rolls.
Let me tell you how my day went, and maybe this will make sense to you.
I knew I needed to make a loaf of bread today for an Emergency Preparedness Fair that my ward is having this Saturday. I wanted to make it on a day that I didn't have any other plans so I wouldn't have to work around them. In preparation to make said loaf of bread, I needed to unshambleize my kitchen. Before that even happened though, I got a call from Rocket Scientist's employer. We can finally get benefits and are way excited. She called to let us know that today was the deadline. I had no idea what any of the above terms meant. I knew I would have to learn them to some degree before we turn in the paper work and in a hope to get two things done at once, I called my parents to help me learn these terms.
One thing you should never do. Mix health insurance with bread making. To tell the truth, bread making is hard enough as it is. Add in learning the stupid terms the insurance companies come up with is even harder. Yes. I messed up the bread. Have to make another one tomorrow when I already have something scheduled. Oh well. You live and you learn. I didn't let the loaf of bread rise the second time. The only way to get the middle part to cook was to have the crust burnt. Yeah...
Btw, if you do try out this bread recipe, don't do it all whole wheat. It makes it too uh... what is the word?? Thick? Sure. I do half and half. White in the first batch of flour, and wheat on the second. Or vise versa. Oh, and don't combine any insurance termanology with it. It won't work.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My latest obsession
There are many things I enjoy. Cross-stitching, trumpeting, reading, writing, spending time with family, chatting with women, playing games on my computer, and most recently...
Combined with this:
Has been my latest obsession. Glad to say that I think I am almost done with the game, but I have no idea really having never played it or watched it played.
It is an RPG kinda game with puzzles and things for you to figure out before you continue. Because of this, I very frequently came to a halt not knowing what to do. Because of this, hubby bought me a walk-through book. There was one night where hubby had the walk-through, and was telling me what to do and where to go because the "dungeon" was made up of a lot of maps that were in the shape of a circle all connected together with things but every one was slightly different. I got hopelessly lost. Even WITH the compass always facing north.
This overall reminded me of days at Shay Bay's house ("what??" you may ask? "Isn't that your code name/nickname?" uh... yeah, it is. Long story..... maybe I'll tell you later) playing her PS2? or was it 3? I can't remember. But in any case one of us would be looking at a book to tell the other one with the controller what to do. Oh, I didn't mention what game we were playing. We were playing Tomb Raider. I remember one specific time where once again, one of us was playing, the other instructing. Can't remember which of us was doing what, but the instructor was looking a little ahead and then said, "*gasp!* A bear!!!" the other one then proceeds to jump out of her pants and freaked out as well. hehe Good times.
Now with no further ado, I will be heading off to melt my brain some more with the PS2.
This:
Combined with this:
Has been my latest obsession. Glad to say that I think I am almost done with the game, but I have no idea really having never played it or watched it played.
It is an RPG kinda game with puzzles and things for you to figure out before you continue. Because of this, I very frequently came to a halt not knowing what to do. Because of this, hubby bought me a walk-through book. There was one night where hubby had the walk-through, and was telling me what to do and where to go because the "dungeon" was made up of a lot of maps that were in the shape of a circle all connected together with things but every one was slightly different. I got hopelessly lost. Even WITH the compass always facing north.
This overall reminded me of days at Shay Bay's house ("what??" you may ask? "Isn't that your code name/nickname?" uh... yeah, it is. Long story..... maybe I'll tell you later) playing her PS2? or was it 3? I can't remember. But in any case one of us would be looking at a book to tell the other one with the controller what to do. Oh, I didn't mention what game we were playing. We were playing Tomb Raider. I remember one specific time where once again, one of us was playing, the other instructing. Can't remember which of us was doing what, but the instructor was looking a little ahead and then said, "*gasp!* A bear!!!" the other one then proceeds to jump out of her pants and freaked out as well. hehe Good times.
Now with no further ado, I will be heading off to melt my brain some more with the PS2.
Bacefook?
Bacefook. Good one Pavlov. In any case. I agree with you. That being said, I am using Bacefook in a "contacting" way, and it is very useful with that. That is if the people I want to contact actually check thier account... (that is another matter intirely in any case)
In any case, in following Pavlov's link, I found this one. I thought it was extremely helpful and I was shocked as to all that I could do with privacy. Most of it I didn't know. I don't live a kind of life where anything that I would do would incur some sort of complication later on in life, but I still would like to be as private as possible and still use Bacefook the way I want. To keep in contact with friends far away and re-connect with those that I have lost connection with in one way or another along the way. Without further ado, here is the link.
Very useful. Very infomrative. I hope my readers who do have a Bacefook account will read it at least. Privacy is an important thing in the world today.
In any case, in following Pavlov's link, I found this one. I thought it was extremely helpful and I was shocked as to all that I could do with privacy. Most of it I didn't know. I don't live a kind of life where anything that I would do would incur some sort of complication later on in life, but I still would like to be as private as possible and still use Bacefook the way I want. To keep in contact with friends far away and re-connect with those that I have lost connection with in one way or another along the way. Without further ado, here is the link.
Very useful. Very infomrative. I hope my readers who do have a Bacefook account will read it at least. Privacy is an important thing in the world today.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Awakening. And I don't mean a lame book by Kate Chopin.
This morning I woke up. I didn't wake up in bed. Ok, well I did. But not the woke up that I am now refering to. I woke up in the shower.
We had Stake Conference today. We had Stake Conference around the same time last year. I didn't go that year. I was in the choir to wake up to an exceptionally sore throat. I felt bad for skipping out on going to choir, but I certainly didn't want to pass this on to someone else. So I didn't go, I rested and drank orange juice.
A few months later as I was sitting on the stand (my calling at the time was ward chorister) waiting for church to start, a High Counsel member who was visiting for the day came over to talk to me. I was kind of shocked. Not every day does a High Counsel member come to talk to you specifically, especially one that I didn't know very well. Not even well enough to remember his name.
(Don't worry, I'll get to the reason for my awakening soon enough...)
He talked to me about that Stake Conference that I missed. Wondering where I was. That confused me even more. Why would he notice the absence of one solitary member of the stake he serves out of the hundreds who were there? Here is why. One of the speakers was unable to make it for some unknown reason to me. Their first substitute? Me. Yes. Me. Little ol' me. They did see Rocket Scientist and Bug there, but they specifically wanted me.
Wha???? My mind was reeling at this point. What has happened so much in my life that would put me on such high standards? I specifically remembering this High Counsel member calling me a spiritual giant. Huh??? I don't exactly remember how this conversation panned out, but in any case I think he did also mention Little Angel. I don't know how I looked to everyone else after he died, but well, the Stake Presidency must have been impressed? Whatever.
Sad to say though, I let those words get to me. And not in a good way. Pride harbored in my heart and in my head. I won't go into any details of my thoughts since then, but suffice it to say that I got to be very proud.
Then. My last few posts. I couldn't stand being in chruch hearing all the babies without numbing myself. Every lesson I attended in Relief Society seemed to have some sort of connection to trials. The only one on my mind was losing my little baby. So I numbed myself. I spent every Sunday afternoon numb. Every. Single. One.
Yet today I woke up. Being Stake Conference again made me think about what happened last year. It was almost as if I was saying the words in my head I would have said a year ago had I been at Stake Conference. Remembering my conviction of the Plan of Salvation and that I would see my little one again. Not that I truly had lost my faith in it, my conviction is just too strong. I just didn't see things in the same prospective that I have my whole life. Death has never scared me. I have even longed for it. Wished for it. Just to escape the pain of this world. And I have had a lot. All my life I have almost felt as if I was (hesitates over keys not sure what the word was...... my train of thought derailed......) pesimistic?? Nah, that isn't the word... one sec... gonna go look for it. Ah. Cynical. There we go. Thank goodness for online dictionaries to tell me the synonyms of words. ^_^ Anyway, I always felt almost cynical about death and funerals. Wishing I was the one who had just joined his or her Father. Funerals never made me sad. But rather glad for the person and mad that it wasn't my turn to leave yet.
Because of this I hardly ever shared it with anyone. In any case. Lately I have been walking around in a haze. A numb fog. Not remembering my perspective of the Plan.
I remember now.
I felt my heart beating in Stake Conference.
I felt the spirit for the first real time in a long long time. (did I mention that numbness blocks the spirit too?)
I woke up.
We had Stake Conference today. We had Stake Conference around the same time last year. I didn't go that year. I was in the choir to wake up to an exceptionally sore throat. I felt bad for skipping out on going to choir, but I certainly didn't want to pass this on to someone else. So I didn't go, I rested and drank orange juice.
A few months later as I was sitting on the stand (my calling at the time was ward chorister) waiting for church to start, a High Counsel member who was visiting for the day came over to talk to me. I was kind of shocked. Not every day does a High Counsel member come to talk to you specifically, especially one that I didn't know very well. Not even well enough to remember his name.
(Don't worry, I'll get to the reason for my awakening soon enough...)
He talked to me about that Stake Conference that I missed. Wondering where I was. That confused me even more. Why would he notice the absence of one solitary member of the stake he serves out of the hundreds who were there? Here is why. One of the speakers was unable to make it for some unknown reason to me. Their first substitute? Me. Yes. Me. Little ol' me. They did see Rocket Scientist and Bug there, but they specifically wanted me.
Wha???? My mind was reeling at this point. What has happened so much in my life that would put me on such high standards? I specifically remembering this High Counsel member calling me a spiritual giant. Huh??? I don't exactly remember how this conversation panned out, but in any case I think he did also mention Little Angel. I don't know how I looked to everyone else after he died, but well, the Stake Presidency must have been impressed? Whatever.
Sad to say though, I let those words get to me. And not in a good way. Pride harbored in my heart and in my head. I won't go into any details of my thoughts since then, but suffice it to say that I got to be very proud.
Then. My last few posts. I couldn't stand being in chruch hearing all the babies without numbing myself. Every lesson I attended in Relief Society seemed to have some sort of connection to trials. The only one on my mind was losing my little baby. So I numbed myself. I spent every Sunday afternoon numb. Every. Single. One.
Yet today I woke up. Being Stake Conference again made me think about what happened last year. It was almost as if I was saying the words in my head I would have said a year ago had I been at Stake Conference. Remembering my conviction of the Plan of Salvation and that I would see my little one again. Not that I truly had lost my faith in it, my conviction is just too strong. I just didn't see things in the same prospective that I have my whole life. Death has never scared me. I have even longed for it. Wished for it. Just to escape the pain of this world. And I have had a lot. All my life I have almost felt as if I was (hesitates over keys not sure what the word was...... my train of thought derailed......) pesimistic?? Nah, that isn't the word... one sec... gonna go look for it. Ah. Cynical. There we go. Thank goodness for online dictionaries to tell me the synonyms of words. ^_^ Anyway, I always felt almost cynical about death and funerals. Wishing I was the one who had just joined his or her Father. Funerals never made me sad. But rather glad for the person and mad that it wasn't my turn to leave yet.
Because of this I hardly ever shared it with anyone. In any case. Lately I have been walking around in a haze. A numb fog. Not remembering my perspective of the Plan.
I remember now.
I felt my heart beating in Stake Conference.
I felt the spirit for the first real time in a long long time. (did I mention that numbness blocks the spirit too?)
I woke up.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Night-time fears or sleep avoidance?
Today Bug woke up from his nap whining. I had to calm him down (from what I have no idea) for a half an hour then we spent another good half hour just playing silly toddler like. But more than that, not only tonight, but other nights he'll wake up crying. Or come out of his room in the morning claiming that his closet door made a "low sound". In any case, right now I'm not sure if he is just pretending he is scared so he gets more awake time, or if he really is.
I figured that if he was coming to me asking for a hug with a smile on his face, he is pretending and is glad I'm soaking it up. And yes, he did do this tonight. He is currently crying in his room because I denied him more hugs for this very reason. He didn't seem to need them in the way that I was initially thinking.
On the other hand, if he IS having night-time fears, how do I help him avoid it? He has already seen Monsters Inc. a few times and loves it. He actually (at one point tonight of trying to get out of his room so he could sleep) he asked me to open his closet door so he could say hi to the monsters. He's no dummy. But then again... if it isn't monsters he's afraid of, what is it? And if I don't know what he is afraid of (or even IF he is afraid of anything) then how am I going to help him?
Another thought. Maybe he is having nightmares? Uh... how do you explain to an almost three year old what a dream is? He can't tell me if he doesn't know what it is in the first place.
Ah well.... I'm not sure what to do with my little Bug. At least he isn't pretending he is going to throw up, right Jan?
I figured that if he was coming to me asking for a hug with a smile on his face, he is pretending and is glad I'm soaking it up. And yes, he did do this tonight. He is currently crying in his room because I denied him more hugs for this very reason. He didn't seem to need them in the way that I was initially thinking.
On the other hand, if he IS having night-time fears, how do I help him avoid it? He has already seen Monsters Inc. a few times and loves it. He actually (at one point tonight of trying to get out of his room so he could sleep) he asked me to open his closet door so he could say hi to the monsters. He's no dummy. But then again... if it isn't monsters he's afraid of, what is it? And if I don't know what he is afraid of (or even IF he is afraid of anything) then how am I going to help him?
Another thought. Maybe he is having nightmares? Uh... how do you explain to an almost three year old what a dream is? He can't tell me if he doesn't know what it is in the first place.
Ah well.... I'm not sure what to do with my little Bug. At least he isn't pretending he is going to throw up, right Jan?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Don't freak...
My mom called me early (for me) this morning worried about my last post. Don't worry. I'm still here. All the "the end" really meant was that I know something is wrong with me and really bugging me, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what is causing my erratic behavior or forcing me into numbness for days on end. The "the end" really meant I have nothing else to say about it. Instead of typing this all out. I really don't know what is wrong with me or how to fix it. Hence the "the end". I'm trying not to give up, but it is hard seeing as when I'm numb, I don't care about anything even giving up finding the source of all this pain and whatnot.
So yeah. Don't freak out. I'm still kickin'.
So yeah. Don't freak out. I'm still kickin'.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Hello, my name is...
Mrs. Butterworth
I woke up on Valentine's day from Rocket Scientist trying to sneak out our room unnoticed. I wasn't surprised. It is kinda a tradition for him to make me a good breakfast on Valentine' day. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep but was unsuccessful. Excitement was too prevalent. I may have accomplished going back to sleep, but it was interrupted with Bug waking up and asking to come out of his room, and from then on out, if I ever DID get to sleep again, it was interrupted with a chair rubbing across our kitchen floor. Whenever Rocket Scientist cooks, Bug wants to watch and help. So yeah. That was the reason for the chair scraping.
Eventually, after I had the smell of bacon and waffles or pancakes (couldn't tell which) in my nose, Rocket Scientist comes in our room to "officially" wake me up. I come in the kitchen to find waffles and some bamboo sticks shaped like hearts (I had decided that bamboo was one plant I was SURE to not kill. They don't even need any kind of dirt. They sit in water and all you have to do is make sure the roots are in water. So yeah... I asked for them.) Thinking that I HAD smelt bacon, I was confused to not find it. They were hiding in the oven. And yes. You CAN cook bacon in the oven. Which is what he did.
We enjoyed the company of our little family while we were eating whole-wheat waffles and then all of the sudden, Bug points to the syrup bottle and says, "Mommy!" I looked over to ask what he wanted. He pointed to the bottle again and said, "See! It's Mommy!" I looked over to Rocket Scientist and asked, "Am I really that fat??" Ok, just kidding. I didn't say it, but it would have been funny. So yeah. I'm Mrs. Butterworth now I guess. Let's hope I'll lose some weight after this baby is born or I'll look more and more like Mrs. Butterworth.
I woke up on Valentine's day from Rocket Scientist trying to sneak out our room unnoticed. I wasn't surprised. It is kinda a tradition for him to make me a good breakfast on Valentine' day. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep but was unsuccessful. Excitement was too prevalent. I may have accomplished going back to sleep, but it was interrupted with Bug waking up and asking to come out of his room, and from then on out, if I ever DID get to sleep again, it was interrupted with a chair rubbing across our kitchen floor. Whenever Rocket Scientist cooks, Bug wants to watch and help. So yeah. That was the reason for the chair scraping.
Eventually, after I had the smell of bacon and waffles or pancakes (couldn't tell which) in my nose, Rocket Scientist comes in our room to "officially" wake me up. I come in the kitchen to find waffles and some bamboo sticks shaped like hearts (I had decided that bamboo was one plant I was SURE to not kill. They don't even need any kind of dirt. They sit in water and all you have to do is make sure the roots are in water. So yeah... I asked for them.) Thinking that I HAD smelt bacon, I was confused to not find it. They were hiding in the oven. And yes. You CAN cook bacon in the oven. Which is what he did.
We enjoyed the company of our little family while we were eating whole-wheat waffles and then all of the sudden, Bug points to the syrup bottle and says, "Mommy!" I looked over to ask what he wanted. He pointed to the bottle again and said, "See! It's Mommy!" I looked over to Rocket Scientist and asked, "Am I really that fat??" Ok, just kidding. I didn't say it, but it would have been funny. So yeah. I'm Mrs. Butterworth now I guess. Let's hope I'll lose some weight after this baby is born or I'll look more and more like Mrs. Butterworth.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sometimes, it just hurts, and sometimes I'm numb.
Acceptance is hard. It's not even if I can even do anything BUT accept it. Choosing not to accept it isn't going to bring Little Angel back to me any sooner. I know this. You know this. Why am I writing it anyway?
When I was younger, due to happenings around me, I was programed to numb myself when the pain got to hard. The body is an amazing thing. Because I was so young, and wasn't able to healthily accept the pain, I became numb. Not feeling anything. No pain. No hurt. No happiness. No love. No..... nothing. The body automatically did this to save me. Save the pain. Hide it until later when I could feel it and understand. When I could accept it.
I'm over that hurdle of my life. I can look back to the pain I endured and not feel the pain anymore. It saddens me what others are going through because of it and wish I could help them, but I don't know how. But the pain is gone. I feel no hate, no anger, no pain towards my memory. It has just become.... a memory. Something I'll never forget. But something I'll never feel pain from anymore.
Other things have happened in my life. When I was a teenager. I still feel pain from them. I"m not quite over them at all. I sometimes find myself still harboring hate because of what I was forced to live through. Even guilt. I know I'm not quite over that yet. But it will come. I can do it. If not, the Lord would have not allowed it. What scripture is it? Says something like.... "I will not give you more than you can bear." Something to that effect. The quotes are just to say when it stops and ends. It isn't direct.
Most likely, I was numb when I was a teen as well. When the pain from that incidence got too hard once again. Well... from those two incidences. In any case, I can't remember necessarily feeling numb. I just felt guilty. But I wouldn't be surprised if I did numb myself. It is possible it didn't happen. I was older. I could comprehend the pain. So much that I felt guilty, dirty, horrible almost immediately afterward. Even during.
I digress.
Because of my pre-conditioning, my body goes on auto-pilot and numbs my emotions when the pain gets too hard. Or at least seemingly too hard. I have no control over it. Sure, like my sister told me once, everyone copes with things differently. Only problem is.... I'm not coping. I'm hiding. I'm constantly hiding. Behind books. Reading or writing them. Behind video games. Anything that will take me away from here. Or even my body will become numb and then I can pretty much do anything during that time. Nothing matters to me when I'm numb. Nothing. I could be gaming on my computer or wasting time on facebook and Bug or Rocket Scientist may require my attention. Do I care? Nope. I'm numb. I can't feel their love, I can't feel my love towards them. I can't feel anything. I become a droid or something. Not feeling anything.
This is why I get frustrated when it happens. I have no control over it. When it comes or goes. Usually the emotion that brings me out of numbness is anger. Don't ask me why. Sure, when I was young, the numbness was quite necissary. No child should have to deal with that much pain. But I"m not a child anymore. I can deal with a lot of pain. The fact that I'm over the pain of my childhood proves that. But why am I still hiding? Why am I not calling the women in my ward that I want to get close to and go on walks with? Oh, right. They just had a baby. I shun them. I want to become closer to these women in my ward, but I can't get close to their baby without either breaking down or becoming numb. What if I scare the women away? I show them my darker side and they never want to have anything to do with me from then on out?
My greatest fear. My reason for falling in love with Rocket Scientist so deeply almost from the start of our relationship. He saw my dark side. Many times. He never ran. One of the only guys who didn't. Well... more like one of two. Only two guys in my life I wanted to date or have any sort of romantical relationship didn't run. I can tell when they run.
I want so desparetly for someone. Anyone. But someone who I can just feel comfortable enough to cry on their sholder. Someone I know won't run away. Someone close to me. Sure my family. Always my family. One of my sisters is in the Big State. Long away from here. One of my brothers is far east. The rest are two hours away. Sure family. If only we all lived in the same area code.
Sure, Rocket Scientist. He has already proven that he won't run. Not for anything. He has stood by me in my very darkest of hours. He is not a girl. There is something that a woman needs. A good friend. A good girl friend. I'm slowly making them in my ward. Cat and I have decided that we are twins from a different mother.
Why is it though that I'm still uncomfortable with tears? I never really thought I was uncomfortable with them. One of my sisters said that I should hold in the tears when I needed to cry. I was blessed those first three/four months. I didn't really feel the need to cry a lot. Sure I was sad, but not so sad that tears were necissary. People constantly told me how strong I was that I wasn't breaking down all the time. That I was able to conduct "Away in a manger" in RS the Sunday after he died. I smiled at the audience like always not realizing that most of them had tears in thier eyes. Only after someone commented on it did I remember the sniffles. I never really believed everyone talking about how strong I was. I knew the Lord was comforting me. It wasn't my strength.
Yet was it all the "you're so strong" comments that made me feel unable to cry in front of my ward members? I don't really know. Maybe so. Maybe I feel like I have to live up to something. Yet, I don't really know a great many thing about myself. All I know is that I'd rather not feel numb anymore and I don't know how to stop it. It is pre-programed in me. Sometimes auto-pilot is a good thing. Other times it leads you astray (Wall-E). If only I had a button. Something to push and say, "Auto, you are relieved of duty." Sadly though I don't.
I remember asking my mom something like, "what do I do now?" I was worried about what having another baby would do to me. Her answer was simple. Her answer was wise. So like my mom. My family members are probably nodding their heads now. "Go forth with faith." I don't have to know what will happen. I don't have to know what the future will bring. I just have to go forth with faith, and "everything will turn out for [my] good". Another scripture. I wish I knew these references.
Acceptance. Such a big thing. Yet such a little thing. Such an important thing.
Such a hard thing.
When I was younger, due to happenings around me, I was programed to numb myself when the pain got to hard. The body is an amazing thing. Because I was so young, and wasn't able to healthily accept the pain, I became numb. Not feeling anything. No pain. No hurt. No happiness. No love. No..... nothing. The body automatically did this to save me. Save the pain. Hide it until later when I could feel it and understand. When I could accept it.
I'm over that hurdle of my life. I can look back to the pain I endured and not feel the pain anymore. It saddens me what others are going through because of it and wish I could help them, but I don't know how. But the pain is gone. I feel no hate, no anger, no pain towards my memory. It has just become.... a memory. Something I'll never forget. But something I'll never feel pain from anymore.
Other things have happened in my life. When I was a teenager. I still feel pain from them. I"m not quite over them at all. I sometimes find myself still harboring hate because of what I was forced to live through. Even guilt. I know I'm not quite over that yet. But it will come. I can do it. If not, the Lord would have not allowed it. What scripture is it? Says something like.... "I will not give you more than you can bear." Something to that effect. The quotes are just to say when it stops and ends. It isn't direct.
Most likely, I was numb when I was a teen as well. When the pain from that incidence got too hard once again. Well... from those two incidences. In any case, I can't remember necessarily feeling numb. I just felt guilty. But I wouldn't be surprised if I did numb myself. It is possible it didn't happen. I was older. I could comprehend the pain. So much that I felt guilty, dirty, horrible almost immediately afterward. Even during.
I digress.
Because of my pre-conditioning, my body goes on auto-pilot and numbs my emotions when the pain gets too hard. Or at least seemingly too hard. I have no control over it. Sure, like my sister told me once, everyone copes with things differently. Only problem is.... I'm not coping. I'm hiding. I'm constantly hiding. Behind books. Reading or writing them. Behind video games. Anything that will take me away from here. Or even my body will become numb and then I can pretty much do anything during that time. Nothing matters to me when I'm numb. Nothing. I could be gaming on my computer or wasting time on facebook and Bug or Rocket Scientist may require my attention. Do I care? Nope. I'm numb. I can't feel their love, I can't feel my love towards them. I can't feel anything. I become a droid or something. Not feeling anything.
This is why I get frustrated when it happens. I have no control over it. When it comes or goes. Usually the emotion that brings me out of numbness is anger. Don't ask me why. Sure, when I was young, the numbness was quite necissary. No child should have to deal with that much pain. But I"m not a child anymore. I can deal with a lot of pain. The fact that I'm over the pain of my childhood proves that. But why am I still hiding? Why am I not calling the women in my ward that I want to get close to and go on walks with? Oh, right. They just had a baby. I shun them. I want to become closer to these women in my ward, but I can't get close to their baby without either breaking down or becoming numb. What if I scare the women away? I show them my darker side and they never want to have anything to do with me from then on out?
My greatest fear. My reason for falling in love with Rocket Scientist so deeply almost from the start of our relationship. He saw my dark side. Many times. He never ran. One of the only guys who didn't. Well... more like one of two. Only two guys in my life I wanted to date or have any sort of romantical relationship didn't run. I can tell when they run.
I want so desparetly for someone. Anyone. But someone who I can just feel comfortable enough to cry on their sholder. Someone I know won't run away. Someone close to me. Sure my family. Always my family. One of my sisters is in the Big State. Long away from here. One of my brothers is far east. The rest are two hours away. Sure family. If only we all lived in the same area code.
Sure, Rocket Scientist. He has already proven that he won't run. Not for anything. He has stood by me in my very darkest of hours. He is not a girl. There is something that a woman needs. A good friend. A good girl friend. I'm slowly making them in my ward. Cat and I have decided that we are twins from a different mother.
Why is it though that I'm still uncomfortable with tears? I never really thought I was uncomfortable with them. One of my sisters said that I should hold in the tears when I needed to cry. I was blessed those first three/four months. I didn't really feel the need to cry a lot. Sure I was sad, but not so sad that tears were necissary. People constantly told me how strong I was that I wasn't breaking down all the time. That I was able to conduct "Away in a manger" in RS the Sunday after he died. I smiled at the audience like always not realizing that most of them had tears in thier eyes. Only after someone commented on it did I remember the sniffles. I never really believed everyone talking about how strong I was. I knew the Lord was comforting me. It wasn't my strength.
Yet was it all the "you're so strong" comments that made me feel unable to cry in front of my ward members? I don't really know. Maybe so. Maybe I feel like I have to live up to something. Yet, I don't really know a great many thing about myself. All I know is that I'd rather not feel numb anymore and I don't know how to stop it. It is pre-programed in me. Sometimes auto-pilot is a good thing. Other times it leads you astray (Wall-E). If only I had a button. Something to push and say, "Auto, you are relieved of duty." Sadly though I don't.
I remember asking my mom something like, "what do I do now?" I was worried about what having another baby would do to me. Her answer was simple. Her answer was wise. So like my mom. My family members are probably nodding their heads now. "Go forth with faith." I don't have to know what will happen. I don't have to know what the future will bring. I just have to go forth with faith, and "everything will turn out for [my] good". Another scripture. I wish I knew these references.
Acceptance. Such a big thing. Yet such a little thing. Such an important thing.
Such a hard thing.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Piano?
This just in. One of Bug's amazing imaginations at work. Maybe I should have color/drawing time everyday? Seeing as he is using these Lincoln Logs as a pencil of sorts? Anyway, here is the picture.
And here is the wonderful artist himself. (you can see the "piano" in the background...)
And here is the wonderful artist himself. (you can see the "piano" in the background...)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
CURSES!!!!
I did it again.
I'm numb.
Yes, that's right.
I'm numb.
I feel nothing.
I could care less about anything.
I avoided new moms at church.
I avoided taking a slight glimpse at the graveyard across from our ward building before walking home.
I'm avoiding pain.
I'm avoiding myself.
I'm avoiding feeling His love.
I'm avoiding feeling love for Little Angel.
I don't know how to stop this cycle of numbness.
It just comes when I'm in too much pain.
I have no control.
When it comes, or when it goes.
So I accept it.
Let's hope I'll accept my new little bug when he comes.
Instead of avoid him like all the other babies in my ward.
I don't know what to do.
Is there new life after SIDS?
I'm numb.
Yes, that's right.
I'm numb.
I feel nothing.
I could care less about anything.
I avoided new moms at church.
I avoided taking a slight glimpse at the graveyard across from our ward building before walking home.
I'm avoiding pain.
I'm avoiding myself.
I'm avoiding feeling His love.
I'm avoiding feeling love for Little Angel.
I don't know how to stop this cycle of numbness.
It just comes when I'm in too much pain.
I have no control.
When it comes, or when it goes.
So I accept it.
Let's hope I'll accept my new little bug when he comes.
Instead of avoid him like all the other babies in my ward.
I don't know what to do.
Is there new life after SIDS?
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Imagination
Can be good or can be bad. Why bad you ask? Well... let's just say that it can run away with you and make you scared over nothing.
Today I woke up with a whimpering toddler. I went to console him and was slightly upset that he was like this because I was hoping to sleep in today. It was too late to put him back to sleep though, so I had to settle for it. After a while of crying/whimpering (I don't think he was actually shedding tears, but he sounded like he was crying) when he started to calm down a little I tried to get out of him what was wrong, this isn't really normal behavior for him.
All I could really get was that his closet door made a low sound. He likes to point out that he knows the difference between high sounds and low sounds. It is a common thing for him, so the low had to be included. After another little crying/whimpering fit he went on to talk about something that I had no idea what he was saying. It was pure babble. He moved my hand up to my mouth to demonstrate what he was talking about but I still didn't get it.
Anyway... so yeah. It is so cute to see him play with imagination... just wish it didn't affect his dreams.
Today I woke up with a whimpering toddler. I went to console him and was slightly upset that he was like this because I was hoping to sleep in today. It was too late to put him back to sleep though, so I had to settle for it. After a while of crying/whimpering (I don't think he was actually shedding tears, but he sounded like he was crying) when he started to calm down a little I tried to get out of him what was wrong, this isn't really normal behavior for him.
All I could really get was that his closet door made a low sound. He likes to point out that he knows the difference between high sounds and low sounds. It is a common thing for him, so the low had to be included. After another little crying/whimpering fit he went on to talk about something that I had no idea what he was saying. It was pure babble. He moved my hand up to my mouth to demonstrate what he was talking about but I still didn't get it.
Anyway... so yeah. It is so cute to see him play with imagination... just wish it didn't affect his dreams.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Computer problems
Ok. So. Here you go. Very long post, so if you aren't all that interested in my computer problems, don't read it. And don't worry. I don't know a lot about processors and long words and the technical words that deal with computers so this is dumbed down for those of us who those words go in one ear and out the other.
A while ago, I was having a problem with my computer. Pretty much the only real problem was a full C drive. I had a D drive as well, but my C drive was about 20 gigs, two of which were empty. My D drive was about 100 gigs? Not really sure. As you could guess... my D drive I got later than my C one. I didn't want to deal with wiping my C drive and changing them at that point, and it didn't seem to really matter.
ANYWAY... so yeah. My C drive was full and I couldn't download anything anymore, and plus, it kept being weird with the problem with the fact that there was hardly enough room in the C drive to even operate the computer. We decided to get a new hard drive.
This new hard drive is 700. Though I didn't really want to deal with copying files, wiping and starting from scratch again, I knew I would regret not making the 700 hard drive my C drive. After we put an operating system on the 700 drive, I have been working on that since. I for the most part put all the programs and things that I had on my other drive and have it running almost to my liking. Only thing is it would do funny things and take forever and a day to start up if I turned it off. So I would put it on sleep mode every night to conserve energy yet not completely turn it off.
We woke up yesterday to my computer still running on a dos screen that said "detecting array". No idea what that means, only that it didn't go on sleep mode like it was supposed to, or sometime during the night it came off sleep mode. In any case, I had to restart my computer. I did so. It would not turn on. At all. It got to the screen where it would boot from a CD if it had a bootable CD in the drive. I did have a CD in there and thought it was confused. So I took it out and tried again. This continued for a while while Rocket Scientist and I were trying to find a reason for this, and trying different things. At one point my CD drive caused problems so we tried unplugging it. It still tried to boot from CD. We changed the priority for what the computer should try to boot from. Nothing did any good.
I unplugged all the drives but the 700 gig one. It wouldn't work. Then I plugged in the other two drives that were priviously my C and D drive. It worked. All day yesterday I was under the impression that my brand new 700 gig drive was bad. I was certain it would still be under warrenty, but I was vexed that I couldn't access it. I had done a lot of work on my story on that drive and hadn't backed it up figuring that since it was brand new, it wasn't as important.
I'm babbling too much. I'm sure most of you could care less. In any case, yesterday I went through the whole day without a CD drive. I didn't care that much. I had opened up my computer enough that day for my enjoyment for years to come. I was depressed the whole day because of the possibility that we couldn't get the files off the drive at all seeing as it wouldn't turn on at all if the drive was connected.
Rocket Scientist had the idea of using a operating system that runs off the CD drive then it would boot from the CD drive like it was trying to do, but we could maybe (main word... MAYBE) have the 700 gig drive plugged in and be able to at least access the drives to copy them to a different drive.
To try this, I opened my comptuer once again this morning to plug in the CD drive. While in there, I had the thought that perhaps it might be the cords to the 700 gig drive that were messed up. I felt it was at least worth a shot seeing as we shouldn't condem the drive to be the problem if we hadn't tried every aspect of it. Thankfully, we had different cords that would go into it, and Rocket Scientist plugged them in. While doing so, he blew a little bit every once in a while. Dust is a big problem in computers.
So big a problem that there is a possibility of it slipping between the connection between pluggies and where the pluggies go. That was the either the problem or it was the cords. In any case, it is NOT the drive that is the problem. I am very relieved. It worked. I could open my computer and it is just like it was before. I am very glad that I don't have to worry aobut contacting Samsung and finding out where to send the drive and then wait to find out what they would say about it. I knew I wouldn't be patient enough for that.
Anyway, so yeah. That is my long story about computer problems. And since the CD drive was plugged in when I turned it on, I could get the ultrasounds pics on my computer and post them for you. *whew* I'm glad my drive still works.
A while ago, I was having a problem with my computer. Pretty much the only real problem was a full C drive. I had a D drive as well, but my C drive was about 20 gigs, two of which were empty. My D drive was about 100 gigs? Not really sure. As you could guess... my D drive I got later than my C one. I didn't want to deal with wiping my C drive and changing them at that point, and it didn't seem to really matter.
ANYWAY... so yeah. My C drive was full and I couldn't download anything anymore, and plus, it kept being weird with the problem with the fact that there was hardly enough room in the C drive to even operate the computer. We decided to get a new hard drive.
This new hard drive is 700. Though I didn't really want to deal with copying files, wiping and starting from scratch again, I knew I would regret not making the 700 hard drive my C drive. After we put an operating system on the 700 drive, I have been working on that since. I for the most part put all the programs and things that I had on my other drive and have it running almost to my liking. Only thing is it would do funny things and take forever and a day to start up if I turned it off. So I would put it on sleep mode every night to conserve energy yet not completely turn it off.
We woke up yesterday to my computer still running on a dos screen that said "detecting array". No idea what that means, only that it didn't go on sleep mode like it was supposed to, or sometime during the night it came off sleep mode. In any case, I had to restart my computer. I did so. It would not turn on. At all. It got to the screen where it would boot from a CD if it had a bootable CD in the drive. I did have a CD in there and thought it was confused. So I took it out and tried again. This continued for a while while Rocket Scientist and I were trying to find a reason for this, and trying different things. At one point my CD drive caused problems so we tried unplugging it. It still tried to boot from CD. We changed the priority for what the computer should try to boot from. Nothing did any good.
I unplugged all the drives but the 700 gig one. It wouldn't work. Then I plugged in the other two drives that were priviously my C and D drive. It worked. All day yesterday I was under the impression that my brand new 700 gig drive was bad. I was certain it would still be under warrenty, but I was vexed that I couldn't access it. I had done a lot of work on my story on that drive and hadn't backed it up figuring that since it was brand new, it wasn't as important.
I'm babbling too much. I'm sure most of you could care less. In any case, yesterday I went through the whole day without a CD drive. I didn't care that much. I had opened up my computer enough that day for my enjoyment for years to come. I was depressed the whole day because of the possibility that we couldn't get the files off the drive at all seeing as it wouldn't turn on at all if the drive was connected.
Rocket Scientist had the idea of using a operating system that runs off the CD drive then it would boot from the CD drive like it was trying to do, but we could maybe (main word... MAYBE) have the 700 gig drive plugged in and be able to at least access the drives to copy them to a different drive.
To try this, I opened my comptuer once again this morning to plug in the CD drive. While in there, I had the thought that perhaps it might be the cords to the 700 gig drive that were messed up. I felt it was at least worth a shot seeing as we shouldn't condem the drive to be the problem if we hadn't tried every aspect of it. Thankfully, we had different cords that would go into it, and Rocket Scientist plugged them in. While doing so, he blew a little bit every once in a while. Dust is a big problem in computers.
So big a problem that there is a possibility of it slipping between the connection between pluggies and where the pluggies go. That was the either the problem or it was the cords. In any case, it is NOT the drive that is the problem. I am very relieved. It worked. I could open my computer and it is just like it was before. I am very glad that I don't have to worry aobut contacting Samsung and finding out where to send the drive and then wait to find out what they would say about it. I knew I wouldn't be patient enough for that.
Anyway, so yeah. That is my long story about computer problems. And since the CD drive was plugged in when I turned it on, I could get the ultrasounds pics on my computer and post them for you. *whew* I'm glad my drive still works.
Ultrasound Pics
Ok, well here they are. I'll give you a detailed account of my computer problems in the next post. This one is dedicated to our new little boy.
The classic profile (we had a really hard time getting this... you could hardly see it most of the time because he had his face squished against the placenta, the flat gray thing at the top):
And like I said, he didn't have any problem showing this off...
This is probably my favorite. Yet, it was hard to get as well seeing as the majority of the time he had his face hidden from either squishing it against the placenta or covered with his arms.
Another show off... oh, and if you can kind of tell... his feet are crossed. Seems to be a common thing with our kids. They are just kids that kick it back... I guess... lol
And uh... if anyone can figure out this one, they get the prize of the day.... uh.... a virtual high five?? lol. Here's a hint: across the left side of the picture is his arm. I think.... lol
The classic profile (we had a really hard time getting this... you could hardly see it most of the time because he had his face squished against the placenta, the flat gray thing at the top):
And like I said, he didn't have any problem showing this off...
This is probably my favorite. Yet, it was hard to get as well seeing as the majority of the time he had his face hidden from either squishing it against the placenta or covered with his arms.
Another show off... oh, and if you can kind of tell... his feet are crossed. Seems to be a common thing with our kids. They are just kids that kick it back... I guess... lol
And uh... if anyone can figure out this one, they get the prize of the day.... uh.... a virtual high five?? lol. Here's a hint: across the left side of the picture is his arm. I think.... lol
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Oh... more pictures. Well... just one I guess
Oh, so I have been wanting to post these pictures. They were from last Saturday. Lately Bug has been wanting to help make dinner, so we have accommodated. Only to a point though...
So last Saturday we had breakfast for dinner. We had pancakes. They were really good. In any case... at one point of making them, I was washing dishes (remember how messy our kitchen was??) Rocket Scientist was buttering the latest pancakes. Bug was watching the stove. Or at least we thought... Don't worry, he didn't burn himself. Rocket Scientist did a very good job of teaching him not to touch hot things.
I suddenly hear Rocket Scientist exclaim something and I turn around. Bug had apparently put another pancake in the pan. And it needed to be turned over. The batter and the pan were in his reach so he just did the honors for us. We let him eat it, since it was fine and not burnt or anything.
Anyway... after all that babbling... here is the picture I wanted to show you. Bug's first pancake! With how good it turned out, maybe he'll be a chef? I doubt I could make a bunny shaped pancake! (oh, it is the darker one... if you couldn't guess...) Click on it to make it bigger to see better.
So last Saturday we had breakfast for dinner. We had pancakes. They were really good. In any case... at one point of making them, I was washing dishes (remember how messy our kitchen was??) Rocket Scientist was buttering the latest pancakes. Bug was watching the stove. Or at least we thought... Don't worry, he didn't burn himself. Rocket Scientist did a very good job of teaching him not to touch hot things.
I suddenly hear Rocket Scientist exclaim something and I turn around. Bug had apparently put another pancake in the pan. And it needed to be turned over. The batter and the pan were in his reach so he just did the honors for us. We let him eat it, since it was fine and not burnt or anything.
Anyway... after all that babbling... here is the picture I wanted to show you. Bug's first pancake! With how good it turned out, maybe he'll be a chef? I doubt I could make a bunny shaped pancake! (oh, it is the darker one... if you couldn't guess...) Click on it to make it bigger to see better.
So you've all been waiting in anticipation right?
To see our Groundhog's day pictures! Yay!!! ^_^
Just out of sheer curiosity, the second one is from last year. Just thought I'd put them together to compare how much he has changed. Looks like he is looking more and more like a boy... *sigh. My little bug is growing up.
Well, I guess that is it for the day. Wait? What? You wanted to see something else? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh... what is the baby? Oooooh... so you didn't really want to see my groundhog pictures? Aww, how sad. Well...... I guess I can accommodate... just this once though. (are you looking ahead yet? *cackles evilly....) It's a.... OH, have I ever told you that I have a short attention span? Oh, right, the sex of baby. A lot of my friends have just said that it just feels right to say "she" or "girl" when talking about baby. I felt the same way. It just felt right. I have been imagining making cute little pink blankets and everything. It pleased me. Because "girl" just felt so right. We were all stumped. "Feeling right" and "mother nature" were conflicting. That's right. We are having another boy. Thanks Deanna for that great blog name that we could have used for a girl. I really loved it. Maybe his blog name will be Bugglet? Lol... who knows. Anyway, I guess I'm done being evil now. I would post pictures of the ultrasounds (he certainly wasn't shy to show us his parts, yet his face he was covering like crazy) but due to computer problems (curse you!!!!) my CD drive is currently not connected. So I guess you'll just have to wait for that. My apologies. I hope you'll forgive the lack of pictures and my evilness. I was just in the mood I guess.
Happy February to all and hope you all ate your groundhog! (shame on you Excelente!)
Just out of sheer curiosity, the second one is from last year. Just thought I'd put them together to compare how much he has changed. Looks like he is looking more and more like a boy... *sigh. My little bug is growing up.
Well, I guess that is it for the day. Wait? What? You wanted to see something else? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh... what is the baby? Oooooh... so you didn't really want to see my groundhog pictures? Aww, how sad. Well...... I guess I can accommodate... just this once though. (are you looking ahead yet? *cackles evilly....) It's a.... OH, have I ever told you that I have a short attention span? Oh, right, the sex of baby. A lot of my friends have just said that it just feels right to say "she" or "girl" when talking about baby. I felt the same way. It just felt right. I have been imagining making cute little pink blankets and everything. It pleased me. Because "girl" just felt so right. We were all stumped. "Feeling right" and "mother nature" were conflicting. That's right. We are having another boy. Thanks Deanna for that great blog name that we could have used for a girl. I really loved it. Maybe his blog name will be Bugglet? Lol... who knows. Anyway, I guess I'm done being evil now. I would post pictures of the ultrasounds (he certainly wasn't shy to show us his parts, yet his face he was covering like crazy) but due to computer problems (curse you!!!!) my CD drive is currently not connected. So I guess you'll just have to wait for that. My apologies. I hope you'll forgive the lack of pictures and my evilness. I was just in the mood I guess.
Happy February to all and hope you all ate your groundhog! (shame on you Excelente!)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Lazy day
Yesterday we had a pretty lazy day. It was nice, yet shouldn't happen on the day I have the most chores. Still... it was nice to have a relaxing day. At least we did all the dishes from the sink and the cupboard and the stove and the table where they were piling up so much we couldn't even eat without moving things around to a non-existent part of the kitchen because there was just SOOOO many dishes.
Oh, random thought: have you heard that if you keep something up for 21 days it becomes a habit? So yeah, we are trying it out. Today was the first day of washing the dishes right after we used them. We are motivating ourselves by putting tick marks on the days we did it. Usually there will only be 3 tick marks, but there will probably be extra ones depending on what we ate and when. We were 100% successful today. I'll keep you updated on that.
So yeah. Yesterday was a lazy day of enjoying one another's company and all that. It was nice. Even though laundry needed to be done and the kitchen was a mess. (we washed all the dishes around dinner-time when we realized we couldn't eat without cleaning SOMETHING...)
Bug said the cutest thing though. Around lunch-time I gave him a little fruit cup to start with before we got him the main part of lunch. A baked potato if memory serves. Anyway, I was gathering some potatoes, and he was wanting me to open up his fruit cup. I was on the ground. No where near anywhere to put his fruit cup where it wouldn't spill on carpet. They fill those things to the brim with juice. I was hesitating, and Bug was babbling trying to explain to me to open it. Then he handed it to me, then he made an explosion type gesture with both hands saying "Pslssssh!" at the same time. I gazed at him for half a second then burst out laughing. How could I not? Not only had he just told me very explicitly what he wanted, but he had a very serious look on his face.
Between chuckles I told Bug to tell the same thing to Rocket Scientist. He was around a corner and wouldn't have been able to see had Bug repeated himself right next to me. He did, and I burst out laughing again when I heard the "Pslssssh!" I just couldn't help it. In any case, Rocket Scientist accordingly got his fruit bowl open for him (he was in a better position to do it anyway) and we began lunch. It was a cute thing that I didn't ever want to forget so I am putting it on here for the rest of you to enjoy.
I would have put all that in the "Wise sayings" section of my blog but I knew it needed much more explanation then I would have put on there. Oh, and here's a little plug for that section. I just added some "Wise sayings" so be sure to check it out.
Oh, random thought: have you heard that if you keep something up for 21 days it becomes a habit? So yeah, we are trying it out. Today was the first day of washing the dishes right after we used them. We are motivating ourselves by putting tick marks on the days we did it. Usually there will only be 3 tick marks, but there will probably be extra ones depending on what we ate and when. We were 100% successful today. I'll keep you updated on that.
So yeah. Yesterday was a lazy day of enjoying one another's company and all that. It was nice. Even though laundry needed to be done and the kitchen was a mess. (we washed all the dishes around dinner-time when we realized we couldn't eat without cleaning SOMETHING...)
Bug said the cutest thing though. Around lunch-time I gave him a little fruit cup to start with before we got him the main part of lunch. A baked potato if memory serves. Anyway, I was gathering some potatoes, and he was wanting me to open up his fruit cup. I was on the ground. No where near anywhere to put his fruit cup where it wouldn't spill on carpet. They fill those things to the brim with juice. I was hesitating, and Bug was babbling trying to explain to me to open it. Then he handed it to me, then he made an explosion type gesture with both hands saying "Pslssssh!" at the same time. I gazed at him for half a second then burst out laughing. How could I not? Not only had he just told me very explicitly what he wanted, but he had a very serious look on his face.
Between chuckles I told Bug to tell the same thing to Rocket Scientist. He was around a corner and wouldn't have been able to see had Bug repeated himself right next to me. He did, and I burst out laughing again when I heard the "Pslssssh!" I just couldn't help it. In any case, Rocket Scientist accordingly got his fruit bowl open for him (he was in a better position to do it anyway) and we began lunch. It was a cute thing that I didn't ever want to forget so I am putting it on here for the rest of you to enjoy.
I would have put all that in the "Wise sayings" section of my blog but I knew it needed much more explanation then I would have put on there. Oh, and here's a little plug for that section. I just added some "Wise sayings" so be sure to check it out.
A-Z
I've been tagged!!! I'm SO excited! ^_^
A--Attached or Single: ~Attached. Most definitely attached.
B--Best Friend: ~Celise, Cat, Madi, Lil... Rocket Scientist, Jesus... I have so many good friends. <3
C--Cake or Pie: ~PIE all the way. And any day.
D--Day of Choice: ~Sunday, I love going to church and being with my many friends and great ward members.
E--Essential Items: ~Shoes, clothes... diapers.
F--Favorite Color: ~Blue, but I have also been leaning to pink as well. Does that mean I'm having a girl?
G--Greatest Accomplishment: ~Taking care of myself. Without blame. Still working on it, but I know it will be a great accomplishment.
H--Happiest part of the day: ~Quiet time. I get a quiet house to do whatever I want. Including nap.
I--Indulgences: ~Cross-stitch, story writing, Oreos (of course...), naps, warm/hot baths... any other kind of pampering. (massages, manicure/pedicure, getting hair done at a salon)
J--January or July: ~January
K--Kids: ~Bug, Little Angel, and Little nudger (that is at least until we know the sex. Only 2 more days!!! ^_^)
L--Life is incomplete without: ~Music. Chocolate. Music and chocolate. Well... make that dark chocolate.
M--Movie favorites: ~Pride and Predjudice (A&E version), Princess Bride, You've got Mail, Hoodwinked. Just a few. There are so many that I just love.
N--New car: ~Pontiac G6, but since that probably isn't plausible, Honda CR-V
O--Oranges or Apples: ~Oranges
P--Phobias or fears: ~Spiders freak me out, but I'd say my worst fear is not living up to the standards I need and not being able to spend eternity with the ones I love and some that I already miss dearly.
Q--Quotes: ~Funny: "Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." No idea who came up with it, we found it painted on a wooden board at DI and we bought it. Serious: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." D+C 18:10
R--Reasons to Smile: ~Plan of Salvation, To lift another's spirit, Oreos, Dark chocolate, Bug, Rocket Scientist
S--Season: ~Fall. I just love sweater weather and all the good fruits and veggies that are ready to harvest.
T--Tag 5 Friends: ~Madi, Cat, Lisa L., Lisa S., Excelente, and really, anyone who wants to. There are so many blogs that I read that this would be fun to read about the people who write them. Five just isn't enough.
U--Unknown fact about me: ~I can shake my eyes. Ask me sometime. I'll show you.
V--Very favorite store: ~I used to think Target, but I went to Kohl's the other day to get matunity clothes (sure, this is my third pregnancy, but for the last two, I could still borrow from family... the only two I can borrow from are both pregnant now.... lol), and I absolutely loved pretty much everything I saw. It might slowly become my new favorite clothes store.
W--Worst habit: ~Worst? Uh.... laziness?
X--X-ray or Ultra Sound: ~I'll have to say Ultra-sound today seeing as I'm really anxious to find out the sex of this baby. ^_^
Y--Your favorite food: ~Oreos!!!!! Ok, just kidding. Well... maybe a little. Uh... Tacos? I don't really have a favorite. My appitite changes so much these days. But the weirdest thing happened at church today. I was walking down the hall and I could smell tacos. Serious. It was fast Sunday and someone was making tacos somewhere. I wasn't the only one smelling it either. It made me want tacos really bad so we are having that tonight. Ok... that was really random.
Z--Zodiac: ~Uh...... Gemini? I think?
A--Attached or Single: ~Attached. Most definitely attached.
B--Best Friend: ~Celise, Cat, Madi, Lil... Rocket Scientist, Jesus... I have so many good friends. <3
C--Cake or Pie: ~PIE all the way. And any day.
D--Day of Choice: ~Sunday, I love going to church and being with my many friends and great ward members.
E--Essential Items: ~Shoes, clothes... diapers.
F--Favorite Color: ~Blue, but I have also been leaning to pink as well. Does that mean I'm having a girl?
G--Greatest Accomplishment: ~Taking care of myself. Without blame. Still working on it, but I know it will be a great accomplishment.
H--Happiest part of the day: ~Quiet time. I get a quiet house to do whatever I want. Including nap.
I--Indulgences: ~Cross-stitch, story writing, Oreos (of course...), naps, warm/hot baths... any other kind of pampering. (massages, manicure/pedicure, getting hair done at a salon)
J--January or July: ~January
K--Kids: ~Bug, Little Angel, and Little nudger (that is at least until we know the sex. Only 2 more days!!! ^_^)
L--Life is incomplete without: ~Music. Chocolate. Music and chocolate. Well... make that dark chocolate.
M--Movie favorites: ~Pride and Predjudice (A&E version), Princess Bride, You've got Mail, Hoodwinked. Just a few. There are so many that I just love.
N--New car: ~Pontiac G6, but since that probably isn't plausible, Honda CR-V
O--Oranges or Apples: ~Oranges
P--Phobias or fears: ~Spiders freak me out, but I'd say my worst fear is not living up to the standards I need and not being able to spend eternity with the ones I love and some that I already miss dearly.
Q--Quotes: ~Funny: "Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." No idea who came up with it, we found it painted on a wooden board at DI and we bought it. Serious: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." D+C 18:10
R--Reasons to Smile: ~Plan of Salvation, To lift another's spirit, Oreos, Dark chocolate, Bug, Rocket Scientist
S--Season: ~Fall. I just love sweater weather and all the good fruits and veggies that are ready to harvest.
T--Tag 5 Friends: ~Madi, Cat, Lisa L., Lisa S., Excelente, and really, anyone who wants to. There are so many blogs that I read that this would be fun to read about the people who write them. Five just isn't enough.
U--Unknown fact about me: ~I can shake my eyes. Ask me sometime. I'll show you.
V--Very favorite store: ~I used to think Target, but I went to Kohl's the other day to get matunity clothes (sure, this is my third pregnancy, but for the last two, I could still borrow from family... the only two I can borrow from are both pregnant now.... lol), and I absolutely loved pretty much everything I saw. It might slowly become my new favorite clothes store.
W--Worst habit: ~Worst? Uh.... laziness?
X--X-ray or Ultra Sound: ~I'll have to say Ultra-sound today seeing as I'm really anxious to find out the sex of this baby. ^_^
Y--Your favorite food: ~Oreos!!!!! Ok, just kidding. Well... maybe a little. Uh... Tacos? I don't really have a favorite. My appitite changes so much these days. But the weirdest thing happened at church today. I was walking down the hall and I could smell tacos. Serious. It was fast Sunday and someone was making tacos somewhere. I wasn't the only one smelling it either. It made me want tacos really bad so we are having that tonight. Ok... that was really random.
Z--Zodiac: ~Uh...... Gemini? I think?
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