Acceptance is hard. It's not even if I can even do anything BUT accept it. Choosing not to accept it isn't going to bring Little Angel back to me any sooner. I know this. You know this. Why am I writing it anyway?
When I was younger, due to happenings around me, I was programed to numb myself when the pain got to hard. The body is an amazing thing. Because I was so young, and wasn't able to healthily accept the pain, I became numb. Not feeling anything. No pain. No hurt. No happiness. No love. No..... nothing. The body automatically did this to save me. Save the pain. Hide it until later when I could feel it and understand. When I could accept it.
I'm over that hurdle of my life. I can look back to the pain I endured and not feel the pain anymore. It saddens me what others are going through because of it and wish I could help them, but I don't know how. But the pain is gone. I feel no hate, no anger, no pain towards my memory. It has just become.... a memory. Something I'll never forget. But something I'll never feel pain from anymore.
Other things have happened in my life. When I was a teenager. I still feel pain from them. I"m not quite over them at all. I sometimes find myself still harboring hate because of what I was forced to live through. Even guilt. I know I'm not quite over that yet. But it will come. I can do it. If not, the Lord would have not allowed it. What scripture is it? Says something like.... "I will not give you more than you can bear." Something to that effect. The quotes are just to say when it stops and ends. It isn't direct.
Most likely, I was numb when I was a teen as well. When the pain from that incidence got too hard once again. Well... from those two incidences. In any case, I can't remember necessarily feeling numb. I just felt guilty. But I wouldn't be surprised if I did numb myself. It is possible it didn't happen. I was older. I could comprehend the pain. So much that I felt guilty, dirty, horrible almost immediately afterward. Even during.
I digress.
Because of my pre-conditioning, my body goes on auto-pilot and numbs my emotions when the pain gets too hard. Or at least seemingly too hard. I have no control over it. Sure, like my sister told me once, everyone copes with things differently. Only problem is.... I'm not coping. I'm hiding. I'm constantly hiding. Behind books. Reading or writing them. Behind video games. Anything that will take me away from here. Or even my body will become numb and then I can pretty much do anything during that time. Nothing matters to me when I'm numb. Nothing. I could be gaming on my computer or wasting time on facebook and Bug or Rocket Scientist may require my attention. Do I care? Nope. I'm numb. I can't feel their love, I can't feel my love towards them. I can't feel anything. I become a droid or something. Not feeling anything.
This is why I get frustrated when it happens. I have no control over it. When it comes or goes. Usually the emotion that brings me out of numbness is anger. Don't ask me why. Sure, when I was young, the numbness was quite necissary. No child should have to deal with that much pain. But I"m not a child anymore. I can deal with a lot of pain. The fact that I'm over the pain of my childhood proves that. But why am I still hiding? Why am I not calling the women in my ward that I want to get close to and go on walks with? Oh, right. They just had a baby. I shun them. I want to become closer to these women in my ward, but I can't get close to their baby without either breaking down or becoming numb. What if I scare the women away? I show them my darker side and they never want to have anything to do with me from then on out?
My greatest fear. My reason for falling in love with Rocket Scientist so deeply almost from the start of our relationship. He saw my dark side. Many times. He never ran. One of the only guys who didn't. Well... more like one of two. Only two guys in my life I wanted to date or have any sort of romantical relationship didn't run. I can tell when they run.
I want so desparetly for someone. Anyone. But someone who I can just feel comfortable enough to cry on their sholder. Someone I know won't run away. Someone close to me. Sure my family. Always my family. One of my sisters is in the Big State. Long away from here. One of my brothers is far east. The rest are two hours away. Sure family. If only we all lived in the same area code.
Sure, Rocket Scientist. He has already proven that he won't run. Not for anything. He has stood by me in my very darkest of hours. He is not a girl. There is something that a woman needs. A good friend. A good girl friend. I'm slowly making them in my ward. Cat and I have decided that we are twins from a different mother.
Why is it though that I'm still uncomfortable with tears? I never really thought I was uncomfortable with them. One of my sisters said that I should hold in the tears when I needed to cry. I was blessed those first three/four months. I didn't really feel the need to cry a lot. Sure I was sad, but not so sad that tears were necissary. People constantly told me how strong I was that I wasn't breaking down all the time. That I was able to conduct "Away in a manger" in RS the Sunday after he died. I smiled at the audience like always not realizing that most of them had tears in thier eyes. Only after someone commented on it did I remember the sniffles. I never really believed everyone talking about how strong I was. I knew the Lord was comforting me. It wasn't my strength.
Yet was it all the "you're so strong" comments that made me feel unable to cry in front of my ward members? I don't really know. Maybe so. Maybe I feel like I have to live up to something. Yet, I don't really know a great many thing about myself. All I know is that I'd rather not feel numb anymore and I don't know how to stop it. It is pre-programed in me. Sometimes auto-pilot is a good thing. Other times it leads you astray (Wall-E). If only I had a button. Something to push and say, "Auto, you are relieved of duty." Sadly though I don't.
I remember asking my mom something like, "what do I do now?" I was worried about what having another baby would do to me. Her answer was simple. Her answer was wise. So like my mom. My family members are probably nodding their heads now. "Go forth with faith." I don't have to know what will happen. I don't have to know what the future will bring. I just have to go forth with faith, and "everything will turn out for [my] good". Another scripture. I wish I knew these references.
Acceptance. Such a big thing. Yet such a little thing. Such an important thing.
Such a hard thing.
5 comments:
I know what you mean, with the numbness. for the longest time I didn't cry, not even when they told the story of the crucifixion. I will recommend you do what I did. it's not a permanent thing, the numbness will come back from time to time, but it helps. I would watch all the other women cry in RS and wish I could cry too. So one night I got on my knees and said "father, I want to feel what they feel. I want to be able to cry." or something to that effect. it worked! I hate crying in public, but you get used to it. I catch myself crying over the silliest things sometimes. I'm here (so far away) if you need me, any time.
I wish I could make this easier for you. All I know to do is share some of my thoughts and hope they will help you somehow.
Maybe you should rename your "dark side." It isn't an evil side, is it? It is an area of pain. Hurting is nothing to be ashamed of. Tears are not a sign of weakness. The Lord can help you know who you can turn to - who you can trust. He can help you know what to share with others and what not to share.
He can also help you reprogram yourself. You can be reprogrammed! Isn't the atonement wonderful!? Most likely it will take time. Be patient and don't be too hard on yourself.
Maybe this will help: In consultation with the Lord, come up with a plan - a plan of ACTION - something you can actually DO to help prevent the numbness from setting in. For example, I've come up with plans of ACTION to help me deal with feelings of anger or frusturation. Before those feelings come, I already know what I'm going to DO - I'm going to start singing Primary songs! And it helps! It keeps the pot from boiling over. I'm still not perfect in this area, but I'm making progress and that is what I focus on.
Your plan of ACTION will most likely be different. Maybe you will decide to consciously become immediately involved in doing something for someone else. Or devoting all your energy into something productive with Xen. Or it may need to be something smaller that you can consistently DO every time. Maybe it needs to be something that will allow you to cope with the pain. Like reading your scriptures or even your journal - maybe writing in your journal. Only you and the Lord can figure out the best thing for you.
Well, these are just ideas. Please take them as such. I don't have all the answers and I may not have any answers. But one thing I know for sure is that the Lord loves you. He wants to help you and He can. He has all the answers. He even understands how you feel.
I love you! I'm still praying!
Heeeeey, Shay,
I don't know what I can say except that I love you and I'm praying for you - frequently. You're right on when you say that the Lord won't give us something we can't handle with His help. He's the answer. He can make this pain turn to your good - transforming you into His image. Hang in there! You are great!
Eric
I remember watching you at the funeral and thinking she must be holding it all in (I do that too) and I worried for you. Sometimes feeling the pain is just to great. My biggest problem is holding things in until I explode. I can be a scarey volcano. Anger is definitely easier to show than fear or hurting, but sometimes it is through the angry that we get to the pain. I find that when I take it to my Heavenly Father and really talk with him and even yell a bit I end in tears and peace. I know I don't understand your pain, but he does. He is there for us. He is there for you. We love you and pray for you family all the time.
You know. When you were going through everything and I saw how you were handling it and what was happening, I worried over you. Bishop and I talked over my concerns, he shed some light but it was little. I worried, I hoped that you would end up exploding with the emotions. (Not in a bad way) But I knew you needed it. I worried about you every day for weeks. I worried about you when I got released. I worried when we moved. I worried when his birthday rolled around and then again on that sad day. I worry about you now and if I didn't feel like evey limb was going to fall off, I would be running to your house and knocking. I waited and waited for you to finally need a shoulder to cry on and now I live far away and can't be there for you.
You are strong for not crying but you are stronger for wanting to change the numb, for wanting to feel and live again. I pray every day that you will be okay.
If only...
I know you are scared of the ladies in the ward but I promise that it is all worth going out and put yourself out there. Look at "Rocket Sciencist" Some may run but those that don't are much more precious and worthy of your love and friendship then those that run. It is worth it.
I love you like a sister and hope you really know that.
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