Just a few thoughts

Feel free to skip over this post if you want... I just feel all jumbled up inside and I need to write some stuff down.

Sometimes I really wonder how well of a mother I really am. My anger flares up so quickly that it gives me whiplash. Sometimes I'll sleep on the couch while Bug plays on his own. Other times I'll be so involved in what I'm trying to finish I'll almost ignore him completely, practically yelling at him when I finally snap. I don't really let him be a "kid". You remember the days. Getting all dirty playing in a puddle or the sand, or soaking yourself to the bones playing in the snow. I just.... don't want to deal with the mess so I don't let him out in the snow, or on rainy days to experiment what it is like to stomp his feet in a puddle with rain boots on. Not that any of this is proof that I'm not a good mother or not, but it just makes me wonder.... you know?

What do you do when your kid chokes you? Pushes on your neck to get in a better position for a hug or something? How do you explain that to a three year old?

I am feeling a bit more ready for Baby to come. My hospital bag is packed (half-way....), the 0-3 month clothes have been washed as well as the 6-9 (or it might be 6-12...) thanks to an angel in my new ward. We couldn't find the 3-6 clothes though so that is on the agenda for me today since I have since found them. Our apartment is pretty well clutter-free as much as I would love to say that it is completely and utterly clutter-free. At least it is better than it was. 100% better than it was.... I still don't really know if I'm emotionally ready for Baby to come, but that is really in the Lord's hands. But I do know that I can handle anything that He has in store for me. So I guess in that light I maybe am ready?

I wanna make cookies for my sweet angel. She needs SOMETHING for all the amazing work she has done in my hugely messy house. It was funny, when she first came over she brought her son to play with Bug. The first thing her son said was, "Your house is a mess!" I smiled knowing that a 5 or 6 year old really has no tact, and responded. I can't really remember how, but I wish I would have said, "You know, I know that. Isn't it great?? Don't you want your house to always be like this?" I imagine from the way he said my house is a mess that he would respond no. Then I would say, "You know what, neither do I. That is why your mom is here. To help me make my house look a bit more like yours." Then I imagine him saying under his breath or whispering to his mom, "You have a lot of work to do...." haha. Anyway, yeah, I do wanna make her cookies because I feel like she really needs the compensation. And yeah, the only time I ever went to her house it was spotless. Not only spotless of any clutter, but actually.... spotless.

Well, Bug is dying to play on Starfall so I guess I'd better end this random post. I've run out of things to say anyway.

I HATE waking up with a headache. It seems to make the rest of the day worse.