I think I'm failing.
When I hear Baby whine or start to cry I groan.
I here Bug say "Mom" and I start to get upset.
My anger comes out of nowhere and very VERY quickly.
My voice raises so quickly and so often that Bug is constantly telling me "shhh!" (which in turn makes me more angry)
My computer chair isn't cold for five minutes in one day.
We never leave the house unless we have errands.
We are all in pj's (or in Bug's case naked to his diaper) a majority of the day.
I get frustrated when Baby won't stop crying.
I prolong feeding Baby until he (or I) can't stand it anymore.
I seem to be angry a majority of the day. (the rest of the day I think I'm numb.... or on the computer)
I don't make lunch until I look at the clock and realize it is already past noon.
I know all these things, and yet I continue them all.
Most of the words I use when talking to Bug are negative: "NO! Stop! Don't do that!" etc....
No one sees this side of me but my little family here. (Rocket Scientist, Bug, Baby, and sadly... me)
There are days I'm sleeping or laying on the couch all day long leaving Bug to his own devices.
What's wrong with me???
8 comments:
Your body is out of whack and are still trying to get all back to normal. I find that I am like that sometimes now. It takes a consciencous effort on my part to not yell and get so upset. I know you are tired of hearing this but this will pass. Don't forget to ask for help. There are many who are willing to help you.
To me it sounds like a lot of exhaustion + sleep deprivation with a possibility of post partum depression, which happens to a lot of women and you shouldn't feel ashamed about that.
When I find myself feeling depressed and quick to anger with my kids, it helps me to unplug the computer, turn off the television, and go outside for fresh air or get down on the floor and really play with my kids, or have an adult friend come over to have grown-up conversations with.
Priesthood blessings and talking with health professionals are always a good idea too.
I'm praying for you :)
I had a little bit of post partum but it mostly came as anxiety and I just would feel really overwhelmed. For me the thing that helped the most was to read the scriptures first thing in the morning when I got up to fed Kade. There were a lot of times when I was like I don't need to do that today but I always made myself and I was always glad. There is a lot of power in the scriptures. I am sure you already do that but I thought I would share. Also I like what Eliza said. When I was a nanny there were days when I felt so frustrated I wished they wouldn't bother me or talk to me but I realized that those were the days they behaved worse. They could tell I was upset and that was the only thing they knew how to do. So I learned to force myself past it and get down on the floor and play with them, just like Eliza said, and suddenly I felt better and they were a lot happier. I know that is soooo much easier said than done. When you are frustrated its easier to sit on the computer and pass the time. Ill pray for you to have the strength to get past it. Times like these really are no fun and the worse you feel the worse you feel. If that makes sense. I admire you for keeping courage to push through each day and keep going. Good luck!!
I do not know you, but follow your blog from CTMH. Congratulations on your new son. I urge you to get some help. Many of your posts sound depressive and you have been through a lot. There is nothing wrong with getting a little help, as this could be a true medical condition. You need to make sure you are giving your sons the care they need and in order to do that you need to be healthy! good luck
Yes, you really are doing some good. Just like every one else said, it will pass, it is part of the sleep deprivation + hormones, etc. I second the motion that it would be helpful to have someone come watch the kids while you go out somewhere, or just take a load off. I also agree that it would be wise to shut off your computer for a day and go to the park.
Good luck, you'll make it through.
You asked the question so here is a possible answer...
Try smashing the computer with a hammer. Make that a SLEDGE hammer.
After that, try getting dressed, going for a walk with your kids, playing games with your kids, laughing with your kids. Do ANYTHING positive with your kids to teach them, love them, feed them, nourish them and train them to be responsible adults. Which doesn't mean scream at them or ignore them when they want food.
What you need is to step outside of yourself. This life is not about you.
If you want happiness, do anything you can to make others happy. If you have a boring life, go find out everything you can about other people. If you think no one ever offers to help you, try dedicating your life to helping others. If you want love, love others.
If you want to know the solution, look at the life of Christ. Did he ever complain? He got mad only once that we know of, when money changers didn't move out of the temple.
He dedicated His life to helping others, blessing others, serving others, teaching others, feeding others, nourishing others, and dying for the salvation of others, not his own.
You never read about how he did any of this for himself.
You need to rise up. Be strong. Be valiant. Start serving and nourishing your family. Once you have that under control, start serving and helping and blessing the lives of others.
I promise you it will, in turn, bless your life, provide happiness and joy and all the other things you likely lack now. "Men are that they might have joy."
I know you may quickly delete this response. And you may be angry to read it. But I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't care about you and your children.
Plus, you asked the question. That's my answer.
Hey, Shay, only two things. First, I want you to know that I pray for you (by name!) daily that you'll be who and what you need to be. God has the power to turn your weakness into strength! He helps me and He will also help you!
Second, there's no way you would be facing the challenges you face if you couldn't overcome them (and you know it!). The key is to keep trying daily, hourly, minute-ly. When you feel discouragement, remember that it's the adversary that is prompting those feelings and that you don't have to accept them.
Love you lots! : )
There is nothing wrong with you! I think all normal people go through days, or hours, or stages like this. I admire you for seeing it and determining to do better -- that is what life is all about!
I was worried about you after camping, admiring you for even giving it a go, and I hoped you weren't comparing your infant (eating and sleeping) to my own's. Their development at this age is miles apart because they change so much every day.
Focusing on the positive (referring to more recent posts) is a great place to start! It's ok to take some time for yourself when you need it. Keep in mind though, how much bug and squirmy (love it) need your love and kindness, pray that you can give it, and you will see great things in them and in YOURself. Today is not forever. Meaning both that you can get through it AND that you have these fleeting moments to enjoy with your young kids.
OK, so that was long and I hope not too preachy.
I love you!!
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