I don't really know what this post will be about... I just figured my readers (you *points*) would be pining after the loss of me posting everyday... heh... just kidding.
I've had a pretty rough life. Not as rough as some people. To others my life may seem like a horror film. I'm tough. I've survived. But I would like... no... love to go through my life without any depression medication. I don't really know why I feel this way. If one needs help, one should get it. I think I'm on the verge. Sitting on the fence. Sometimes falling off on the depressed side, sometimes jumping into the positive side. I'm trying to pin down what makes the difference between a depressed day and a positive one. I'm not really being able to figure it out.
Saturday was an.... ok day... a day where I was sitting on the fence all day swaying from one side to the other. Yet I exercised. I would have thought previously that it would have been a good day because of that. We got some things done. Laundry washed and folded (though not as complete as I would have liked as clothes are sitting in baskets waiting to be put away...) But my mood and my attitude was..... very mood swingy. Sometimes I'd be great, the next second I would be upset at Bug for some stupid reason.
Maybe it is sleep. I always am in a better mood in the morning if I got enough sleep the night before. But if that is the case, I don't know what to do about it. Some nights I just can't sleep. Not because I can't can't, but because Squirmy won't let me. Last night was a good night. If I wasn't feeding him, I was sleeping.
The good news minutes I think helped too. But I also think that after I stopped naming them it didn't feel quite the same, and I still had depressing posts.
I really don't know what to do.
Tomorrow is my "six week" check up with my doctor. It is also Squirmy's two month appointment. Oh, did I mention Squirmy is two months old today? He has already out grown (or should we call that out lived...? nah... I like out grown better...) Little Angel. At my six week check up after I had Little Angel my doctor (after I filled out a survey thing) said I was on the edge. He could prescribe some stuff or if I would be ok, he could let me leave the office still unprescribed for depression. I chose the latter. I almost think that if I do have to be put on medication, it would make me more depressed... just because I don't want to so bad and I would feel like a failure or something.
Side note, and kind of ironic... the day after my six week appointment with Little Angel, he died... I'm quite sure that he would have prescribed me had Little Angel died before the appointment... or maybe he wouldn't have... many people claimed I was quite strong after that experience.
Another side note... I haven't called Squirmy's doctor yet about the chocking thing... I guess I'll just talk to him about it at the appointment. He hasn't chocked on his own since that last experience though, so hopefully.... *crosses fingers* He still does it sometimes while I'm feeding him though.
One thing I love about my doctor is that he wants me on as little prescribed drugs as possible. I can't exactly remember the situation... but there was one time when he could have prescribed something for me, but didn't, based off of my own opinion that I would be ok. In actuality... the situation I'm describing is probably the postpartum depression thing. Yeah... it probably was.
I haven't been as close to my spiritual side lately either. Its like... I don't know why. I knew I needed help, and I knew that Christ would help me. But I never went to Him. I'm not really sure why. I'm trying to do better. I prayed last night for the first time in a while.
I know all this is pretty random, sorry about that... I'm just wanting to get my thoughts down I guess.
5 comments:
I think you're fighting a good fight! Focus on those things you know are good for you. Give yourself some slack as you have a 2 month old baby (and that is taxing on anyone). Keep up the GNMs and other positive habits. You can do it!!!
Sometimes the things we know will make us feel better are the hardest things to do. Sometimes it just takes so much to get to that point. Also, have you heard of the book baby wise? I know all babies are different but I swear that book the reason Kade is such a great sleeper!
Hey Shay,
Just wanted to say it was great to see you and the kids yesterday! I hope we can get together longer sometime semi-soon (life is way too hectic). Hope you got home safe. Have fun at the Drs. (haha, I know, Drs. aren't fun).
Talk to your Bishop. LDS Family Services can offer some counseling. It's a great thing, and doesn't involve medication. They could probably help with the big picture, or just with the post-baby having feelings. You should check it out. Plus it's the most affordable counseling you may ever be offered, because the church helps with the expense.
Ugh! I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug! I wish I wasn't so far away. I would watch your boys for you so you could have some "me time." I've found that listening to piano music is relaxing. Get pandora and make a "John Schmidt" station. It's the only way I get Grace to sleep. Plus it might help you feel better too :)
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