Introvert? Somehow I prefer "hermit"

[disclaimer: this is not directed to anything that anyone has or hasn't done... i'm just overwhelmed and need to get it out]

Sometimes... scratch that... often I think about all the people that I hold dear. My sisters, good friends that I have had since grade school, other good friends and family in my life, and I think, "Why?" I feel their glowing light just from seeing or thinking their name. I get overwhelmed by that light and wonder why they are a part of my life. I want to get closer to that light, but I turn inward thinking that maybe I'm just being a burden to them or maybe I did something to make them dislike me. Very likely. I'm only just realizing how much of a spoiled brat I was. "Do they even consider me a friend?" I wonder to myself. I haven't done many things to make them want to. I hide inward frequently which likely causes people to back off thinking I need "space" or that maybe I dislike them from something they did or some other such thing.

See? That's one of my problems. I think too hard about it. But a huge fear of mine, probably my greatest ever fear, is that those glowing wonderful people would reject me or my attempts at friendship. My overactive brain takes little things like people not answering phones or e-mails or other sources of contact into maybe-they-don't-really-want-anything-to-do-with-me-anymore-but-are-too-"nice"-to-tell-me-to-my-face situations. Yes, yes, I know it's unhealthy. Phobias are hard to control [stupid irrational fears]. And I would have to say that rejection, particularly from one that I hold dear in my heart, would be my greatest phobia. Spiders freak me out (mainly from the way they just pop out of no where), darkness worries me sometimes, but I would have to say that the biggest one is rejection.

Katy Perry's "Firework [with interjections by Shay]:"

"Do you ever feel

like a plastic bag

floating through the wind

wanting to start again?

[Always]

Do you ever feel

feel so paper thin

like a house of cards

one blow from caving in?

[*nods*]

Do you ever feel

already buried deep?

Six feet under scream

but no one seems to hear a thing?

[Quite]"

Yes, yes, I know the song goes on to encouragement with a metaphor of being a firework and lighting up the sky. But I never get that far. I'm lucky if I can light up a room let alone the whole sky "brighter than the moon."

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. And I'm not even sure I am expecting an answer from anyone. As Meg Ryan says in "You've got mail," I just want to send this out into the void of the internet. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it, but I really like that idea. Which is possibly why blogging is so helpful to me. The void accepts everything, and though it isn't exactly glowing quite as much [if at all] as those people I so desperately want to get close to, at least the void is required to accept me.

So goodnight, dear void. Though I pretend I'm strong, I'm really just a small child curled up and sobbing. But then, you know that already.