Metanoia

(n.) the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.

I feel as if that describes what I'm going through a lot lately.

It certainly is a journey.  And I'm not entirely certain how far I have gone, or how much longer I have to go, or if it will ever end.  I was asked today by someone I just met officially for the first time, "So how are you?"

I responded like any other polite person who knows how it is socially acceptable to respond to such a question by the simple word, "Good."

"Just good?" was his reaction to my possible half lie.

"What else am I supposed to be?"

Truthfully, I was quite good at that time.  But naturally that's just the on the surface.  Deeper down there are some troubling questions that I'm dealing with and trying to find the answers for.  But no one wants to discuss those over a delicious meal of sushi, so I didn't bring it up.  Plus, I just met the guy.  I wasn't about to go into all the secrets of my "wonderful" life with him, because it would have been a life story kind of thing if I would have allowed myself to think deeper than surface level.

But here I can be honest.  (sorta)  Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about things.  Honest.  Before, there was a lot of anger, hatred, and all other sorts of emotions directed at a lot of people that I once said I loved.  It's been a rough year, I'm not gonna lie.  I wasn't even sure if I could trust myself or my own emotions at one point.   I've been hurt intentionally and unintentionally by people who I should have been able to rely on.  I haven't even known who in my family I was "allowed" to talk about it, so I had no outlet except anonymous blogs.  My life has not been a nice walk through the park, smelling the roses, people.  And like I said, this past year has been especially hard, because everything that I had once known or believed in switched completely, turning everything upside-down.

Many of those fierce emotions have died down considerably.  Things still may have to be talked about when I'm finally able to talk about them.  I was talking to a friend about this earlier today, and he said something to the effect of: "You have to be able to rely on yourself.  No one has your interests as the number one priority other than yourself.  Like yourself, and accept yourself."  Now my devoutly religious friends will claim that God or Jesus or whatever deity they choose will be as devoted to my interests and needs as I am, or more so, but right now, I'm not sure how much I believe that.  So what my friend told me really resonated with me.  I've never liked myself.  Often, I downright hate myself.

But what he said really made sense.  Even my loving husband, no matter how self-giving and how much he cares for me, there may be times when he forgets something, or he may not be around when I need him.  I need to learn how to care for myself, and have an interest in caring for myself, because no one else around me will tend to my needs as well as me.  It's kind of depressing, but also kind of liberating.  And it is what I have been working on anyway.  Mainly with kempo, but also in other ways.  I can kind of see my frame of mind changing as the days and months press on.  I honestly can't think of the last time that I truly hated myself.  I look down on myself, and I still struggle with accepting compliments without laughing it off, rolling my eyes, or denying it, but I can't think of the last time that I've honestly hated myself.

Things still need to happen.  I still need to discuss things with people directly involved with these issues.  But in general, I think I can finally, truthfully say, "I'm good." when people ask me how I am.  I may not be fantastic, or wonderful, or any thing other than good.  But really, when it comes to me, "good" is pretty darn good.  Good means that I'm finding a way to live my life despite all the shit that I've had to deal with.  And that, friends, is a mini miracle in its own right.

It's that time of year...

Yes, I admit, making a resolution to only eat one serving of high sugar food a day is a silly thing to do around this time of year.  Truthfully, I think I would be just fine eating only one piece of pie in one day around Thanksgiving time, and Christmas really doesn't fill our house with sugar.  Halloween was the worst - but I think I'm over that craving - though I still have candy corn hiding in my purse...

But what will likely test my sugar craving more than any other thing are these:

I went to the store the other day for important things - cold medicine and pain killers for Bug - he has been sick since Friday.  But these... these little devils... I'm not sure I will be able to resist them... and yes, I bought this box yesterday - and I ate them.  Only two.  They are so rich, I can only have about two at a time.  Which is a good thing.  And you know what?  Apparently one serving of these is only one cookie.  I thought that was pretty crazy.  I don't know how I manage to forget about these every year just to be surprised the next year when I see them on the shelf again.  They will be floating around stores from now until the snow starts to melt.  Winter, I love you so... but you bring to me these temptations, and I may find myself faltering... a lot.  Only two a day... if that... only two a day... *mutter mutter...

"You can smile in the picture, Bug."

That was said by Sandpaper after I took this picture:

Yup.  Now my sweet little Bug is a yellow belt.  Despite his expression, he was really very happy.  The adult class meets right after the child's class, so Bug does his homework while we practice, and then he plays on the iPad.  Anyway, usually he changes right out of his kempo clothes to do his homework in his normal clothes - but he didn't this time.  He stayed in his white dogi and new yellow belt. ^_^

I don't know if you can see close enough, but the colors are different.  The one that Sensei first gave him was a size 1 (the same size as his white belt), and as I put it on him, it was too long, so then he got the other one - a size 0, and the colors were a bit different.  And you guessed it, that's Sandpaper in the background.

When I showed Bug the picture of him posing in his yellow belt, he tried not to smile.  I thought it was great how happy he was.

After all this excitement, I had a different kind of excitement.  ...... well maybe excitement isn't the right word.  I think I may have mentioned before, that I did 100 push-ups during kempo one time, but the first time I actually accomplished that, near the end I bent my elbows... not really enough to call it much of a push-up.  This time, however, I actually tried to move my torso at least midway the whole time.  I admit... I missed one in the last batch of 10, but I did an extra one after Sensei stopped counting.  And I did all 100 twists, though I hate them so.  Saying that I did all the 100 squats doesn't say a whole lot because I've done that from the beginning.

I can't remember if I mentioned how we do our warm up... first we do some preliminary stretches, and just shaking out the joints.  Then we move onto the push-ups.  40 of them, all in a row.  Then 40 twists (or bicycle crunches).  Then 40 squats.  Back to push-ups - 30 of them... repeat until we have done the last 10 of them all.  And then we stretch again.  Stretching is my favorite.  It comes from being in dance for 13 years, I'm sure. ^_^

So yes.  I did all 100 of all those things, and now I'm sore... pretty much everywhere.  But push-ups I have never been all that good at.  I've never really had the upper body or core muscle strength to be able to do it (keep in mind, though, that my knees stay safe and secure on the ground throughout the process), so being able to do 100 in one day - is quite an accomplishment for me.  The baby fat is still stubbornly clinging to me, but I can see and feel muscle growing underneath.  Hopefully some day the fat will just drip off and leave me be, but maybe in a less disgusting manner.

Confidence - or lack thereof

I don't have much confidence in ... pretty much anything.  I am confident that I can knit or cross-stitch amazing things.  I have (or at least had) confidence in my trumpet playing.  That confidence is disappearing slowly the more days pass and I haven't picked it up.

And well, that's about it.

Ironically, knitting and cross-stitching are things that really hurt my hands/wrists.  Heh.  Go figure.

Recently I've found that my confidence seems to dwindle in kempo.  Let's be clear - kempo is one thing that is so far out of my comfort zone, that it is almost amazing that I even started it, so it is clear that I would struggle with confidence in that.  However, despite my new shiny (okay, it doesn't really shine) green belt, my confidence has the ability to disappear quickly during a kempo session, and I just realized what might be the case.

Confidence is connected to strength - I think everyone can agree on that.  I am pretty certain I am not strong - in many ways.  People tell me otherwise, but I can never accept it and make excuses as to why that is the case (but this isn't the post for that).  So - confidence is pretty equal to strength in my mind.  When I struggle with a technique in kempo for whatever reason, even if the reason is I just learned it, I get frustrated and feel weaker in kempo in general.  On top of that, confidence is not letting your weakness show.  Sensei and even Star and Sandpaper seem to be able to see that weakness on my face almost instantly.  Whether it looks like fear, or whatever, I never know... but they see it - and then the little amount of confidence I might have had disappears, and then the spiral continues, and more weakness shows, and .... etc...  There is no degrading in kempo at all - except what I do to myself.  Though they see my weakness, they don't treat me like I'm horrible... that's all me.

Okay, so now that I figured that out, one time when Sensei drove me home from a restaurant that we ate at after kempo, I told him all of this.  There have been many times during class when he would say "have confidence!" and that would naturally make my confidence disappear again - because he could clearly see that I wasn't being confident.  So after I told him what I figured out about how I saw confidence and why it dwindles in kempo, he said that he would have to work to help me gain my confidence.  I kind of laughed to myself inside feeling like I've entered a relationship similar to the one I had with The King (look through other posts if you forgot who he was), and again, not seeing a way for him to help.

Yesterday at kempo, Sensei did something that he hadn't done before.  After the warm up, we do basic training, sometimes paired, sometimes not.  We happened to do it paired and I paired with Star (which frequently happens, probably partly because we stand near each other all the time - the girls gotta stick together!).  The technique was this: one of us aims a punch at the gut of the other - then they block it and kick back.  I let Star attack me first.  Sensei came up as we started and stood behind Star.  He said to Star, "Get her ... get her!"  My internal reaction was, "Like I'll let you!"  I'm not sure how my facial expression changed, but I'm sure it did.  That feeling ... was interesting.  And I can only connect it to confidence.  With Star, I do have confidence that I can block faster than she can punch.  Of course, that confidence made way to fear when I paired up with Sandpaper or Sensei later.

As I think back on it now, it almost makes me irritated at Sensei.  Or maybe more irritated at myself.  I played right into his hands and let myself feel confident that I could block.  Which... is a silly thing to think, I suppose, unless of course I plan on never having confidence.  On that note, I'm not really sure, to be honest.  If I hadn't already decided that I would never have confidence why do I so adamantly deny any power or strength?

Well, that can be a subject for another post.

Tooth Fairy that looks surprisingly like my kempo sensei...

When Bug told me that his teeth (the two on the sides of the two middle-bottom ones) were wiggly, despite just how wiggly they were, I decided to just let them find their own way out this time instead of forcing him to endure me yanking them.

Well it just so happens that Bug lost one of them at kempo.  He's taking kempo too - if I haven't mentioned that yet.  Before their first class at the beginning of a week, they clean off the floor, because that is part of the philosophy - take care of your stuff, or the dojo - things like that.  So what they do is all the kids grab a towel and they push it across the floor.  Apparently Bug and the other smallest kid tend to slip - the whole middle section of the floor has had the finishing rubbed off it, and now it is very slippery.  Yeah, you guessed it.  Bug face planted it and lost one of his loose teeth.  He might have been somewhat upset by it, but he took it like a trooper and went back to class after Sandpaper (mentioned in the last post - he helps with the kids class) helped him wash out his mouth.

The adult class went to a restaurant after our class to celebrate my advancement to green belt, and sensei offered to pay the one dollar tooth fairy fee.  I thought it was nice to offer, but really - it's only a dollar, and it isn't like it's sensei's fault the floor is slippery.

On another Bug related note, he will be taking his test to advance to a yellow belt soon.  He got the drive to do it after I got my green one, which makes me happy.  He has mentioned a few times that he wants to stop kempo, but knowing how much it is helping me, I hoped to keep him motivated in it.  It can be hard at the beginning, but I think it is helping him learn how to focus more, and that is one thing that Bug needs to work on.

"Happy" birthday

Well, here are the annual pictures.

Bug seems to know what they are for, but Goof Ball doesn't.  Goof Ball seems to still be oblivious to the fact that he has another brother that he just hasn't met yet.  When he gets older, I suppose.  Maybe some day he'll ask who the picture on the wall is.  At least he hasn't ever had a fit when we send the balloons out.  I was worried about that once upon a time.

My kempo sensei is the best.  I'm glad I had kempo yesterday to look forward to, and then when it came, to be able to kick until my body couldn't take it anymore.  What surprised me after that though, was the overwhelming desire or need to sob after my anger was out.  I collapsed on the ground and tried to breathe deeply because of the workout I just had, but it felt more like hyperventilating as I held in my screams.  Sensei walked past behind me and patted me on the back as he went to talk to the person taking a test that day.  Star and Sandpaper (two of my really good friends) started kempo before me and helped convince me to come - and they came over and put their arms around me.

Sandpaper said, "she kicked too much" in Japanese.

I responded, "No, actually I'm on the verge of sobbing."

Even though Sandpaper said I could sob if I needed to, just the fact that they were there and comforting me helped me get back under control.  I told them I might get the sobbing out later when I was alone, but I actually didn't.  Even now I kind of want to say "I want to cry," but I don't really know if I can.  Which makes me think that it's possible that I numbed myself instead of accept anything when Star and Sandpaper were comforting me.  And even though I have lots of things to do before tonight, I'm apathetic and can't get myself to do anything.

Truthfully, yesterday I kind of wished that it was possible for me to be able to forget everything.  "How could you even think about forgetting your own child?!" some people might ask.  Well - when remembering rips my chest to pieces, forgetting sounds pretty good, doesn't it?  Even if I could get everyone around me to not mention it, my own body would be against me though.  I know from experience - forgetting isn't exactly as easy as it maybe should be.  I absolutely loathe the phrase "forgive and forget."  Forgive, sure... but for some things forgetting is impossible.  And I have two things in my life that I wish I could forget.  Often the pain of them combines together and feels the same.  It's the same heart wrenching literally ripping kind of pain.  After my happy protective bubble popped sometime last year people have told me, "It's probably a good thing that now you can feel those emotions you've been suppressing."

Yeah, maybe it is a good thing.  Maybe it's a sign of growth, and of healing.  But right now it's paralyzing.  Right now it makes me want to kick things as hard as I possibly can.  I guess at the very least, I can be glad that I'm in a situation where I can kick things as hard as I possibly can and not hurt anyone (including me) because that would just make me feel worse.

So "happy" birthday, Little Angel.  When I should be smiling as I watch you grow, or worrying about what presents I should get you, or what kind of cake I should make, I'm drowning instead.  Drowning in my own suppressed tears because I don't seem able to get them all out.

*and for the record - this post seems to have accomplished what it was supposed to... i think i'm gonna go sob in my room now until i'm numb again...

Healthy Diet (Uso desho?!)

Okay, yes, I am the first to admit that I believed I never would have been able to enjoy a healthy diet.  I mean, look at what my blog is named, after all.

I truthfully don't know what kick started it.  It might have been a whole summer of doing extreme exercise (possibly even more extreme than my 13 years of dance as I grew up), and my body just naturally wanted more healthy things and less sugar to fuel it.  It might have been having my health examination thing for Pro Boxer's work and got sick and tired of seeing his perfectly normal and nothing even in the mild warning, and my body fat and cholesterol levels in the extreme warning.  I'm not entirely certain which one it was.  I'd like to say that my fascination for all things Japan also might have fueled it - sometime in my second year of taking Japanese classes, I started disliking the idea of a sweet breakfast.

Pro Boxer asked me as we started getting out of bed one day, "What do you want for breakfast?"

I responded, "Rice."

"Just rice?"

"I don't think I want just rice, but I can't think of anything else that I would want with it..."

For someone who loves cold cereal (ahem... me), that was a strange conversation to have.  So it is possible that my fascination for Japanese things also might have spurred it all on.  More than likely it is a combination of them all.

After getting back my results from the healthy lifestyle examination thing, it came with a booklet about how to improve your diet.  And I actually read through it.  O.o  And tore the pages out that I needed most and put them on my fridge.  Then I made a few simple starting points and wrote them on the white board on my front door:

Butter not margarine
High fructose corn syrup
more fruits & veggies

Instead of going through my pantry and getting rid of the things that I was avoiding, I just continued to eat them until they were gone, and then started buying things that did fit the criteria.  I'm also trying to avoid processed (mainly freezer meals), but I'm not cutting them out entirely.  Those chicken quesadillas that Pro Boxer gets from Sam's Club are just too tasty to never buy them again, and who doesn't love a good fish stick meal every now and again?

All that said, however, we still have margarine in the house.  I wasn't sure how to change my lifestyle enough to have butter around - when it doesn't spread if left in the fridge where it is supposed to be.  Instead, we moved to Smart Balance.  Yes, that is a margarine name.  And apparently it is good for balancing out cholesterol.  (Score!)  It doesn't spread nearly as well as Not-Butter, but it spreads better than butter, so I went with it.

Despite how HFCS is crossed off above, my sweet tooth isn't entirely quenched.  So I have allowed myself one high sweet "serving" in one day.  Once I had that rule in place, there were a few days when I didn't have any.  Because I didn't want to "waste" my high sugar treat, and then by the end of the day, nothing sounded good anymore, so I didn't force myself to have anything.  Oh, there is plenty around to tempt me, especially when I go to the store.  However, it seems that lately I look at the candy isle and think... "Nah, I don't really want that," and the temptation isn't nearly as strong as it once was.  I even have *gasp!* Halloween Oreos hiding above my sink.  I haven't touched them in weeks.  Blasphemous, right?

On top of the sugar rule, I have been really trying hard to drink more water.  I think that one rule I fail at more than others.  Depending on if we go to restaurants also makes a difference with my "one high sugar thing a day" rule, because as far as something to drink - if we are talking fast food, the only drink that sounds even remotely tasty, is Dr Pepper, and there were a few times when I went to a restaurant twice in one day, and hence - had twice the Dr Pepper.  I have an app for my iPhone that once my weight is plugged in, helps me track my water intake (and reminds me every hour and half) to get the best amount of water.  I've reached 100% only twice.  We are trying to remedy that, but water still is... pretty nasty to me. >_<

All this has narrowed down to one thing:

I had baby carrots, toast, and water for lunch.  A peach shall be my dessert once I finish this post (and it doesn't count as my high sugar serving - because it is healthy sugar ^_^).  Truthfully, I couldn't handle even a half serving of the carrots without adding ranch, but hey, ranched carrots are better than no carrots - and I didn't cover them in the ranch, I had a reasonable amount.  Carrots are surprisingly sweet, if you pay attention to the taste.  It surprised me when my friend told me that, but then when I had one, I was surprised to taste it.

I've taken a fond liking of Grape Nuts.  I gave my friend one and after she sampled it, she said, "Why do people force themselves to eat this stuff?"  We've had enough confession time in this post, so why  not mention this?  I really like it.  I add some raspberries or strawberries, or if there is a berry shortage in the house, I just use honey, and it is just as tasty.  It has been my chosen breakfast for at least 2 weeks.  One serving has 7 grams (se-ven grams!!) of fiber, and usually I have two servings for one breakfast.

Again, this post doubled in size (from what I envisioned in my mind) once I started typing it, but I will also mention the fact that I'm actually counting my calories.  Never thought that would happen.  I'm too particular about the numbers that I worry that they would be off, or I didn't measure it right, or whatever.

Well, I have another app - it's called "Lose it."  It was free.  There are all sorts of ways to enter foods into it.  From scanning bar codes to adding your own recipes!  In the exercise section, you can add housework to your exercise and it gives you an estimate of how much you might have burned!  There is even an option to put trumpet playing in there, and it will tell you how many calories you burned.  Crazy...  To make things even more mind blown - I actually enjoy counting my calories.  I've gone over my calorie count only twice since I started it.  When I change my weight (because it is going down) my calorie budget goes down.  Which makes sense, after I thought about it.

So yeah.  This sugar loving woman is eating more healthy, and it is astonishing.  I hope this in combination with kempo will help (finally!) get rid of the baby weight I accumulated from my three kids.

P.S - if you are too lazy to look up what the Japanese phrase is in the title, it essentially means, "You're lying, right?!"

Nightmare cures

So I found out by accident how to fix the nightmares (and the back aches, and headaches, and neck aches that I was having by sleeping with two wiggly boys).  One night Goof Ball came back upstairs after putting the kids to bed and said he was scared of spiders and then started walking to our room to sleep in the master.  I tried to convince him to go back to his room, saying that Bug was there, and he shouldn't be scared.  He ended up crying on the floor and I gently picked him up and carried him downstairs.  When I put him in his bed, he started to get back out of it, and I worried that he was trying to go back upstairs, and again tried to convince him to stay in his bed.

"I need to stay with Bug!" he said.

And I stood there, taken aback, as Goof Ball answered all of my questions.  He got his blanket and pillow and took it to the twin bed that Bug sleeps in.  Since then I have not had kids in my bed when I wake up, and I can only assume that they've been sleeping together each night.

Bug's testimony: "I don't have bad dreams when Goof Ball is with me."

Well that's good.  Maybe they got used to community sleeping or something throughout the nightmare epidemic.  But at least they found their own solution.

October

And now me.

"I'm not happy, Bob.  NOT HAPPY."

And I'm sick and tired of pretending that I am.  Why in the hell would I be happy that my child died?

Ok, let's back up.

In case you didn't know, October is the month Little Angel was born.  So October is a pretty sore month anyway.  But also in case you didn't know, October is SIDS awareness month.  Heh.  Coincidence has a pretty horrible sense of humor.

Kind-meaning friends tag me in posts on Bacefook dealing with SIDS thinking they ... oh I don't know, are being helpful?  Stabbing my chest?  Giving me an internet hug?  I have enough reminders around this time of year (the only two months he saw), and I'm not sure I need more reminders on Bacefook.  I've thought about disappearing from the internet planet for a whole month, but that is probably very unlikely to happen.

Oh, I'm sure we'll celebrate Little Angel's birthday the same way we do every year (this year it will be 6 balloons), but so far, it hasn't healed my broken heart.  I almost wonder if it just makes me more angry.

Yes, I'm angry.  So angry, in fact, that I asked my kempo teacher if we could kick things a lot that day (it just so happens that it's the same day this year that I have a kempo class), and when I told him why I had a specific day that I wanted to kick things, he said, "I will let you kick to your heart's content!"

Fantastic.  At least this year, I know I have some pretty helpful therapy sessions twice a week.  Who knows what day of the week his death day falls on, but I almost sincerely hope it is a Tuesday or Thursday.

Dream Catcher

So there's this little game out there called Plants vs. Zombies.

Bug watched a friend play it one day while we were hanging out at their house.  And then the nightmares came.

I think it has been, oh... a month or so and Bug has been scared of going to sleep every night.  He keeps talking about how he has "bad thoughts" (he doesn't want to say the word "zombies") and wants to watch movies before he goes to sleep so he can have "good thoughts."  I have tried to help him by saying to ask Heavenly Father for help, or singing his favorite primary song, or... oh, I have tried all sorts of things.  I even pulled out my old dream catcher (the thing I needed to get out of the garage mentioned in the last post) to see if that would help.  I remember that the dream catcher helped me not have bad dreams.

Last night when we had the blessing on the dinner, Bug said "and please help the dream catcher to work" among other pleas to have good dreams.  I still woke up to both kids in my bed with me.  Goof Ball is scared to be downstairs without his brother.

Anyway, maybe it is just the season, or something, or the fact that it is getting darker earlier... I don't know what, but Bug's worst nightmare is zombies - and Goof Ball is scared of spiders.

I don't remember all of Bug's nightmares, but probably the most striking (and most terrifying?) is this one: We were in the delivery room to have another baby and the doctor came in to deliver, but the doctor wasn't a doctor, he was a scientist and when he delivered the baby, he turned it into a zombie.  *shudder... I can see how that would scare a 7 year old.

Super Grover! To the rescue!!!

Once upon a time Pro Boxer and I went on a date to Borders (you know, when it still existed...) and we found a stuffed Grover toy.  I giggled as I picked it up and shoved it in Pro Boxer's face.

"Near!" I said, then ran a distance away from him, making sure to have Grover's arms and legs flailing the whole time.

Then I turned around and said, "Far!"

Lather, rinse, repeat.  (or just repeat - over and over and over.)  Naturally we had to get the doll, so we did.  I can't remember if we got it then, or if Pro Boxer bought it for me as a present, but anyway - we have it now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZhEcRrMA-M

So Goof Ball is going to preschool again this year and at the beginning of the year, the teachers told me what their goals were for him.  Apparently he didn't understand the difference between near and far (see where I'm going with this?).  I just nodded and kept listening to them, thinking about the Grover movie (see link above).  A few days after when I needed to get something from the garage I dug out the Grover doll that had been put in my "memories" box.  When I got back in the house, I shoved the doll in Goof Ball's face and said, "Near!"

And well... yeah.  He giggled.  A lot.  And when he started doing it with me, I let him take over the control of the Grover doll and we watched the movie.  I had it a bit wrong, and Grover is more entertaining on the video, but well... he got it in that one 5-10 min sitting, and I just had to smile to myself.

Just wait, it gets better.

Just a few days ago I got a call from his preschool and his teacher said that he already met one of his goals.  I held back asking what one it was (even though I already guessed it) until they told me on their own and told me what the next step for that goal was.  I just smiled to myself and said, "Yeah, that's fine."  After I hung up I had a good laugh.  I thought about telling them about Grover, but I figured I'd tell them when I next saw them in person.

Shorinji Kempo

When I first mentioned this on my blog a few posts down I said it was a Japanese martial art.  Well, that is kind of true - but more than that, it isn't about fighting, it is about defending yourself, and anyone around you.  There are offensive techniques, but those are taught to be used when it is already clear that you or someone near you is getting attacked.

In any case, it is more a way of life, a form of living rather than a martial art.  We meditate every practice, and we talk about values.  It is founded on the Buddhism values, but as it is taught in America, we don't focus on the religious aspect of it, but the mindset and trying to find peace in life and stuff like that.  It is hard to explain.

But for me, it has become to be a form of therapy.  I have a lot of anger built up that I hid myself from my whole life.  And there have been times when I went to kempo holding in all that anger throughout the day.  And then sensei would pull out the big rectangular pads, as large as a torso and I got really excited, because that means we are practicing kicks.  Having done dance for 13 years of my life, my legs were always more strong than my arms, which means my kicks are a lot stronger than my punches.  And kicking things when I'm angry and frustrated is really helpful.  And therapeutic.  It has helped me more than anything else since my bubble popped about a year ago and all my angry emotions came flying out.

And that's why I have stuck with it all summer despite the lung problems and the palpitating heart.  And for the first time in probably nearing 10 years, I can feel muscle in my upper arm instead of just flab.  It doesn't raise up yet when I flex, but I can feel it.  But disregarding the good things it is doing for my physical body, my emotions and my mind probably get some of the best benefit from it.  I always feel really refreshed in all aspects after kempo.

Fun quotes

I haven't been keeping up with letting you know what we have been up to this summer, as you know, but I thought I would record this fun conversation that happened when we were on a trip.

We stopped at a place to eat near a lake and I noticed the gas price.  I can't remember how high it was now, but this is what happened after.

Me: "Whoa... look at that price!"
Pro Boxer: "Yeah, let's not fuel up here."
I didn't respond for a moment because I heard: "Yeah, it's not fuel up here," and all I could think was, Why wouldn't it be fuel? What else would it be?  Eventually....
Me: "Oh!! Yeah, let's not do that." (cause I finally realized what he really said.)
He looked at me funny, wondering why it took me that long to respond and after I explained it, we had a good laugh.  ^_^

And a few random quotes from the kids:

Goof Ball:

~"Mom, is this yours?"  He is insanely obsessed with knowing who possesses all the items in the house, and amazingly enough, sticks to leaving the things that are mine alone.  For a four year old, that is pretty surprising.

~"I'm not a silly kid, you a silly kid!" and naturally I respond, "I'm not a silly kid, you're a silly kid!" - this goes on for a long time, and it varies depending on if I first called him a goof ball, silly goose, crazy kid, etc...

~"Mom, I wanna go home."  The silly thing with this sentence is he says it when we are home and he wants to go somewhere else.  Then I have to try to explain to his silly and very stubborn brain that we are home.  He often gets upset and starts crying at this news. :)

~"It's my turn!"  This isn't too odd for someone his age, but the surprising thing about it, is that he lets Bug have his turn on the ipad until the clock chimes (which has turned into a change-who-plays-with-ipad alarm rather than, Shay-get-off-your-butt-and-do-things alarm).  Often I didn't even notice the clock chime when I hear Goof Ball say this, but then I look at the clock and see that it is indeed either :15, :30, :45, or :00.

Bug:

~"I wanna do homework."  This happened after I told him how soon school would start, and he started printing worksheet things off of starfall.com and dutifully showed them to me to correct and put a sticker on them.  Hopefully that enthusiasm will continue.

~"Mom, that hurted my ears."  I corrected him on the right way to say hurt in past tense (really, is there a present or plain tense for hurt???)  The next time he started to say hurted again, but corrected himself and said it the right way.  I just had to smile.  He is growing so much, and loves learning.

~"Mom, I want to do an experiment."  He then proceeds to tell me how solids are solids and liquids are liquids and says he wants to put juice in ice trays and put them in the freezer during the night.  I told him we couldn't do that one, but thank goodness he had a second experiment which is to see how long it would take an ice cube to melt when placed in the sun.  Again, we used the chimes as our time placers and tallied how many times the clock chimed.  Bug guessed 1 chime and it would be melted, I guessed 4.  We were both wrong.  Any guesses?

Truthfully, I would like to write more specific quotes from Bug, but he is just so random and around-the-bushy with the way he talks, that it is hard to really get anything straight from him.  Which obviously makes it hard for me to remember specific quotes.  But sometimes he will just randomly say, "Mom," and I'll say "what," and he'll say, "I love you."  Which is the quote I love best to hear.

Personalities

I feel like I'm finally starting to get a grasp on my kids' personalities.  I may have known before, but I'm finally seeing where they come from, and able to articulate what their personalities are like.

Bug is very serious minded.  I mean, he is a kid like any other and likes to have fun and be silly... but he isn't nearly as silly as his little brother.  I can't tell you the many times when Bug would take a joke of Pro Boxer's seriously and have to be reconciled by me to let him know that Daddy was just joking.  I still have to - many times over.  In this, I think Bug gets it from me.  But then he seems to also have some of Pro Boxer in him with how he likes to have things organized and gets frustrated at Goof Ball for the times when he messes things up.  Don't get me wrong, our house is far from clean - but in certain things, he likes to have it organized and set... even when he was a baby playing with blocks, he lined them up perfectly.  He didn't build things like I thought, but he would make sure everything was in its place.  Someone gave him crayons and a coloring book, and what did he do?  He lined the crayons up on the ground.  :)

As for Goof Ball... I think I had a bit of an understanding of his character and personality for a while.  I'm judging that off of his blog name.  I came up with that when he was probably 6 months or so... and it still hasn't changed.  But on top of his complete goofiness (that he clearly gets from Pro Boxer), he also is really stubborn.  Like me.  We have had many a meal battle, and I often won.  I have 24 more years of stubborn experience than him, so that is to be expected.  But he since has found a way to win in his own sneaky way, and it pisses me off. :)  "Eat or go to bed."  That's the rule I set up.  One time I set a plate in front of him, and he looked up at me and said, "I tired."  Its like he knew he couldn't win, so he just gave up from the get go.  I don't know what to do with him sometimes. :)  Though this knowing that he can't win against my stubbornness helped when we started potty training.  Pro Boxer couldn't do anything to get him to go pee on the toilet.  My school stopped, within a week later, he was peeing on the toilet.  It's like he said to himself, "Well, Mom's at it now, guess I can't win anymore... may as well give in."

(I have to insert here, what just happened.  He didn't finish his breakfast this morning, because he is still on the tail end of his food strike.  He came to me complaining about the wii remotes not having batteries.  But then he asked for juice.  I said he needed to finish his food before he got any juice.  He went over and looked at it then said, "I don't need juice."  And I said fine.  ..... little punk.)

Goof Ball gets one more paragraph, because this is one aspect of his character that I just started to realize.  So he is goofy, and stubborn.  But he is also stubborn with his goofiness.  When he wants to be silly, nothing can stop him.  In this, there is no way for me to win over his stubbornness.  I'm trying to get Bug to realize this as well, because sometimes Bug wants to be serious with something or other, but Goof Ball is being completely crazy, and no one can stop him.  My excuse to Bug when this happens is, "He's just four.  He doesn't understand rules or anything like that, so just try to play by his rules."  Which works for now. :)

I have to wonder how these two completely different personalities will continue to grow with each other... :)

Potty story:
So as Goof Ball has been really focused on potty stuff lately, this happened.  I told my mom about it on the phone and she said I should put it on here... I am just getting to it now.

I had a friend over, and she needed to use the bathroom.  So I stayed where I was as she left and Goof Ball followed her.  I heard him lay down in front of the bathroom (like he had many times when I went, I don't even really think about it anymore).  After a moment, he said, "Mom!  She's going pee!" because he could hear it.  My poor friend was so startled, that she stopped instinctively even though she had more to go.  The silence made Goof Ball say, "Mom!  She's going poop!"  Well that earned him an exasperated sigh from me as my palm hit my forehead.  Then he said, "I need to go pee."  So I took him to the downstairs bathroom.  Only to find a text a few moments later from my friend telling me to take him away. :)  I got the text a little late... but anyway, that's the story.

And since I told a story about Goof Ball, here is the latest interesting information from Bug:
Apparently when Goof Ball turns 5 then we are going to have another baby in the house.  This is not an official announcement from me trying to be creative in saying that I'm expecting (I'm not...) this is purely from the Bug's mouth.  But if that is the case, I guess I need to get my IUD out and get busy, because Goof Ball turns 5 in June...  This statement also shows just how calculating and serious Bug is.  He decided this at least a year ago - and he still hasn't wavered or forgot about it.  Let's just say... I have silly kids.

"Mom, let me tell you why I'm crying."

Yesterday, naturally, me and my family went to visit Little Angel.  On the way to a restaurant shortly after this, Bug said, "Mom, let me tell you why I'm crying."

I hadn't heard him crying, but I turned around in the car to see his sad face.  "Why are you crying?"

"I'm crying because of all the people who died."

Sunday night we had watched a video my parents had sent me from their trip in Manila.  The video was about their trip to the WWII Memorial, naturally having many many graves.  Pro Boxer and I talked to Bug about the graves and recounted the numbers that were on the screen.  I think that, in combination with visiting Little Angel made a seven year old make such a profound statement.

The closest I got to crying was kneeling in front of the grave, holding Bug and Goof Ball close to me.  Then insisting that they hold my hands as we walked back to the car.  I didn't cry though.  I'm not sure yet if that is a good thing or not.  Save for bitter angry tears focused at God, I haven't really cried much over Little Angel.  But I suppose... I'm not much of a crier.  Either that or I'm so used to suppressing painful feelings that they just don't come.  Though that would suggest that I'm numb constantly which has been a thought I have pondered recently.

Ah well... another post that was supposed to be short doubled in length again.  I probably use more words than is needed.

I hate making up titles... just so you know.

Though I seem to be a woman of many words, I will try to keep this somewhat short tonight - mainly because it is difficult to type because the underside of my right forearm hurts (either from carpal tunnel and Shorinji Kempo combining together, or because it is bruised from blocking kicks and attacks tonight) and it is somewhat complicated to type right now.

I started taking Japanese in college mainly because I wanted to get a BA.  Truthfully, that was my driving factor.  The reason why it was Japanese instead of Spanish or French or something more "useful" was because by that time, I was fascinated with the country and I didn't have the desire to learn any other language.  An English degree is automatically a BS in my college, and I thought that was silly.  Or maybe because I was a music major before which is BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) that I just wanted an "Arts" attached to my degree.  But really - English isn't a science no matter how you look at it.

Anyway... to get the BA in English, I needed to have language credits, so I started taking Japanese.  For the longest time on my transcript, under "Current Program" it said "Bachelor of Science."  I was slightly nervous about that but I figured it was because I didn't have all the language credits for it yet.  When all my grades were posted, I got even more nervous about it - even though I had passed all four semesters of Japanese.  So yeah, long story short, the other day I checked and it now says "Bachelor of Arts" and it just made my day.  It also said the graduation date on there, so I feel like I can finally start to believe that yes, I am indeed a college graduate now. ^_^  My jazz band teacher wanted me to go back and get a masters.  I told him that I didn't even need a bachelors degree to write, a masters wouldn't help me much from here on out.  His response: "Oh, I don't care what you would go into... I just want you in my band still."  Sorry Dr. Hipster... not gonna happen.  Thanks for the compliment though. ^_^

In case you were wondering about my once fallen clock - it is still going strong. ^_^

And more pottyness.  About four days ago was the first time I could get Goof Ball to poop in the toilet.  Until then he was pooping in his underpants nearly every day.  Eventually I started remembering around the time when he pooped the day before and then I made him try and go poop, and until he did, I didn't put any pants, under or otherwise, on him.  I was so thrilled when he did it for the first time.  The next day he pooped in his pants again.  But he had done it once, so I knew it was possible and tried to keep the positive energy going.  He didn't poop at all yesterday, but I got him to do it in the toilet again today.  But I still had to do the same thing - have him go around butt naked until he did it... Hopefully we can keep this trend going enough for him to learn when to do it on his own.  And I won't have to clean out anymore nasty underpants. >_<

All in all though - this trying-to-do-things thing is pretty good for me.  I feel pretty good about life in general and feel more secure in life.  Though today was a more lazy day and I didn't really do much from the need to do list, I figured I deserved it from all my hard work from yesterday.

Of dishes and french bread and front teeth

Yesterday was a busy day despite what this:

looks like. The yellow is to do - and notice only three of them have -'s next to them. That said... there were a LOT of dishes to be done and I did 90% of them in about half hour increments breaking it up with the cross-stitch and reading.  There was also lots of tidying up to do, and that also got done for the most part, though that was with the help of Pro Boxer.  And I got up and walked with a friend yesterday, so it was also good that way.  All of that after a day of kenpo yesterday and I'm actually genuinely surprised how much I was able to do.  Though - all that dishes washing really started to put a strain on my arms/hands.  Carpel Tunnel and dishes do NOT go well together.

And recently I have been doing a lot of typing getting the recipes written in a file on the computer so we can have them more organized instead of in multiple different recipe books.  And apparently I have a lot of bread recipes - and typing them all up.... I found that it made me really want to bake something.  So I invited a friend over yesterday and we made

these delicious looking things.  One of them I turned into garlic bread and we still have the other - which also may turn into garlic bread for dinner tonight.  They turned out better than I expected.  Actually I didn't really mean to bake them to that amount of brownness... and I also took them out 9 mins early.  I was just passing by the stove after helping with tidying up downstairs and thought to myself - I should check on the bread to see how it is doing.  And they were dark on top - just like you see them and I was like - That's not golden brown! ... just a little more golden than I was imagining.  So I took them out, worried that they cooked too fast on the top and the inside would still be doughy.  But it wasn't the case - turns out it was actually very well done. (in a good way - not like they were burnt. ^_^)

We sent Bug out to school with a pretty loose tooth because I wasn't willing or we didn't have time to pull it out.  When he came home from school, he had a tissue with him and told how much his tooth was wiggling now... and well - yeah, we ended up pulling it out.  And as usual - he forgot to put the tooth under his pillow the first night, so he'll have to remember tonight, I guess for the tooth fairy to come and give him his dollar.

Personally, I was affronted when I realized Bug was getting a dollar from the tooth fairy.  I only got a quarter for my teeth.  But I decided that it was probably inflation that caused such a thing until Pro Boxer told me that he got a dollar for his teeth - and he is even OLDER than me.  What's with that?  I didn't realize the tooth fairy played favorites.  Ah well... here is a cute Bug who now wishes for his two front teeth for the 4th of July.

Today's report:

If you will notice, these are the same lists as the ones in my previous post - just slimmed down, cause we all know that I talk a lot on here, and add unnecessary things and I decided to take those off for the sake of my sanity. *ahem... the things on the list that have a - next to it are ones that I did today. Note - there are more -'s next to words from the need to do list (I have them color coded... yellow was the least favorite of the colors I could pick from... the next worst color would have been orange, but that wasn't an option... and obviously, I love blue.)  I am thinking I may make the item "housework" into multiple things as I don't mind tidying up nearly as much as I hate dishes... and "housework" is somewhat vague.  I won't get too specific (clear off the coffee table in the front room and wipe it down, and etc....) but just main categories - tidy up, dishes, laundry... from there I'll decide what room I'll tidy up or whatever.

And now... feast your eyes on my newest lovely thing!

Ahhhh..... it looks almost prettier in the picture than real life.  But it dongs.  And it ticks (and on battery power no less - I don't have to remember to always make sure it is wound), and the pendulum swings (note in the pic, it is even a little blurry).  And even after it fell off my wall around 1:00 am and the top wood work fell off.  There are some other parts of wood that may have gotten damaged... but I was astonished that the mechanics of it still worked.  It made me start feeling bad for antique stores 10 or 20 years from now.  What from our generation would actually survive that long?  Whatever happened to making quality things instead of worrying about quantity and how much profit there could be by using less quality products to make the item?

Well anyway - now it is posted on a nail instead of a command strip (*ahem... I learned my lesson... heavy beautiful clocks should not be put on command strips - they just don't have the capacity to hold lots of weight....) and hopefully it will be able to survive much longer in my house, because I have always wanted a clock like this.

Future

So as of late, I have been thinking of the future.  Naturally, I can fully be a mom now that my schooling life is over, and I eased into that easier than I thought I would.  I feared that I would be a grump and get too "You're in my space!!" like, or get overly upset that they are constantly whining or whatever.  But ... I guess I have just been blessed with really good kids (or their school year isn't over so I'm not spending ALL my time with them yet).

More than that though - I have WAY too many hobbies.  Shall I list them?

• Knitting
• Trumpet
• Drawing/sketching/coloring (yes coloring)
• Writing
• Reading
• Cross stitch
• Plants
• Embroidery
• Japanese (including anime watching and manga reading)
• Piano
• Blogging
• Yoga
• (add random various extras that I'm sure I forgot)

Then the list of need to do things (since we are making lists already).

• Housework
• Work work (Mary Kay)
• Writing groups (which also may contribute to work work if things actually start getting published)
• Make meals
• Buy things for said meals
• Organize recipe books into one complete recipe book filled with recipes that we actually use
• Organize other random piles and finally decide where the things in miscellaneous piles should go in the house.
• Exercise - which entails crunching to a song and walking around the block til my legs want to give way every morning, and kempo (a Japanese martial art that I recently started trying out - still not sure if I want to fully pursue it) on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

That is of course not including kid interruptions - which can be on either or both lists.  It is also not including any "me" time, though any of the hobbies can help contribute to that, especially reading and knitting.  And then the fears come in.

• What if my writing isn't good enough to make it?  Am I just wasting time?
• What if my writing IS good enough and I actually publish something and get somewhat well known by people I don't know?  Where would my anonymity go?  Would I be able to handle people knowing my name, or gasp of all gasps, I got so well known and idolized so much I became a guest at a writing convention...?  Will my face be on a website not my own, and when my name is googled, will my face or things I published come up in google images??
• Should I try to get a job at a yarn store instead, and teach people how to knit?
• Will I be able to conquer my fears surrounding what needs to be done to get my Mary Kay business really running?

I know, I'm thinking into this really deep.  But when I go into things, I don't go into them half-heartedly.  I strive to do them as perfectly as I possibly can.  And if I do it as perfectly as I possibly can, the end results are the most extravagant that I can imagine.  And it makes me think... maybe I have too much on my plate.

But yet, at the same time... I still feel like I have all the free time in the world.  I'm considering other things that would take up even more of my time despite that with those lists - I can't really take on more.  I am finding the severe need to prioritize.

The lazy me doesn't want to do any of that - just wants to sit back with a good book, or good anime and knit, or just... not do anything truly worthwhile.  The knowledgeable me knows that I wouldn't like myself very much if I were to do that.  I did it for nearly four years of my life, and truthfully - I can't remember much from those years.  So as I was driving home from martial arts today I decided.  That I needed to make two lists (hey, look at that... how convenient I just made two lists!!) and switch from one to the other every half hour or so, doing different things from each list depending on what I want to do most on the hobby one, and probably the one I want to do least (or the one that needs it the most) on the need to do one.  Hopefully I will switch what things I do on each list to give me time to do all of my hobbies and not slack on the talents I have been given.  This will hopefully boost my productivity   If anything, I know how to waste time.  Last summer there were many times when me and Pro Boxer would sit at our computers after breakfast doing our individual slacker things, and suddenly the kids would come upstairs and would complain about needing food and when I looked at the clock I would realize that oh! it is already 8:30 pm!

Tomorrow maybe I am going to go searching for a clock that will dong every hour.  It may be annoying or distracting at first - but I am sure it will help me.  That will be my timer for this new and improved, Shay-get-off-your-butt-and-worrying-about-the-future plan.  And no matter how actively or procrastinatingly I do things, it will force me to switch gears, and that I had found during this last semester of homework, very useful for me when forced to do unpleasant things.  If I had a break every half hour, my mind didn't turn to mush nearly as easily.

So here's to trying to battle my future fears, and just get up and do things.  I will keep you updated on how it goes.

In which Shay discusses potty and gpa and other such things

Potty first on the list, know that we have been trying to work Goof Ball into underpants for quite a while now, but he is so stubborn (very like his mother) that he always refused it - viciously.  And he seemed even more able to get what he wanted (diapers or pull-ups) when Pro Boxer tried to get him to go potty, so as I was always very busy with school and homework, we weren't very successful.

Yet now - only about a week since my graduation, Goof Ball is already going potty.  I don't know what it is, maybe me and him have butted heads often enough that he knows that he can't win over me... but when it was me forcing him to do the potty thing, he did it.  We butted heads, surely - especially at first - but even just yesterday HE was the one to come upstairs and tell us he needed to go potty.  He has been in underpants the past two nights as well and hasn't wet his bed.  The only accident he has had (in his underpants at least) has been the other end of the spectrum, and that was because we didn't realize that it might be a bit too early to take him to the store in underpants...

So if we have learned anything from this experience with Goof Ball is that what was said on "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid" was right - "Daddy means fun.  Mommy means business."

And then graduation - yes!  I am a free woman!  I have taken more naps in the past few days than in my whole past semester.  I don't know why but I have been really sleepy lately.  My only thoughts as to why have been this: I had been so stressed out and sleep deprived that now that I am free, my body is like "Ooookay.... now you can be as tired as you want and catch up on some zzzzz's!"  Which I am kind of okay with.  Though I'm going to try and actually do something today instead of read, sleep, or work on my story.  Laundry is on the list of things to do.

And finally - gpa.  For the past few semesters, I have ended the semester with a 2.98.  I have never much cared for numbers, not really caring what I graduated with.  But then again, I have always assumed that I was a 3.0 kind of girl.  I never thought that I got bad enough grades to be in the 2 range.  And as the past few semesters always ended on a 2.98, I was really wanting to catch up those last two .01's and just end with a 3.0.  This semester, I had four music classes and four major classes (three English ones - one Japanese (so I could get a BA instead of a BS)).  Three of my major classes posted grades and things on canvas - a cite that I can sign into and check grades, download homeworks... etc... so I kind of knew what I would end up with on those classes, and I knew for a surety that I would get perfect A's in my music classes.  So.  Four A's from music classes.  When the grades slowly started posting, I saw that two A's from music classes raised the gpa only one .01 making it 2.99 and I was really sad.  At that rate, four A's wouldn't add up to what I thought would be four B's and still end up with at least a 3.0.  Then a few more classes posted the grades, and what do you know, in my one English class that didn't post the grade on canvas, I got an A for that as well.

All things added up, it looks like I'll be graduating with a 3.01.  I got 5 A's, one B, and two B-'s.  That is my gpa from my entire college experience, Music Major time and all.  My gpa for my degree only, is a 3.10.  So..... three shout outs for me!

I was thinking about this as I was falling asleep last night and I remembered at how this second college time started.  It was kind of a sudden and late decision, and because of that, I was surprised that I was able to get in all the classes I needed, and that I was even able to get a grant.  I was worried about the grant part - it was the end of July when I decided this, and I assumed that all the money would have been divided out already.  Not only was I always able to get into the classes I needed to, but I never failed a class.  I had only about 3 C's in the whole three years, and looking back in my transcript when I was a music major - it is kind of amazing that I only got 3 C's (as there are many D's and even F's in those music major years).  Many semesters my lowest grade is a B- or a B.  I have never been a 4.0 kind of person, and grades have often been the last thing on my mind, so for me... it is kind of a miracle these last few years.  Some people may think that I'm exaggerating, because those grades aren't anything to be like (O.O) over... but seeing as everything that I had on my plate - with kids, and house, and my wonderful husband getting even less sleep than me... it really is kind of amazing - especially with me being the carefree kind of person that I am.

I was thinking about this as I was falling asleep last night.  And I could think of nothing I could say to the only person capable of blessing my life so much.  The same person I have been pushing away so he didn't bless me - I know I am far from worthy of any such blessings.  But I guess - worthy or not - if I ask or not - even if I purposefully turn away from him - he will still bless me, and all I could think was "Thank you."

That moment when you realize too late that you should have read the previous posts before you make another one

So... apparently I'm just in a roller-coaster and should just enjoy the ride.  Haha.  All of my recent posts sound the same, and apparently I have already mentioned the fact that I have had a spiritual downfall.  Ah well.  Enjoy reading anyway if you can.  Apparently I need to try and revamp what this blog is about.

Hang in there - and I will too.

Grateful

I feel like I have been neglecting this blog... which in a way I kind of have.  I'm sure lots of people haven't liked how this blog has turned out, I know I sure haven't... it seems almost every post these days is something depressing again.  Which isn't surprising I suppose seeing as how things have gone in my life as of late.  But I won't get into that.

I was looking back in some really early posts recently and realizing just how much I do have.  How much more I should be grateful.  Yes.... a lot has happened in my life.  A lot that has given me every right to be angry, bitter, and filled with hatred at times.  And that is what I have been for the past few months, no hyperbole.  But at the same time... I do have a lot that I should be more grateful for.  Things that I often take for granted.

My wonderful friends who have accepted me, bitterness, anger, hatred, and all.  Friends who haven't judged me or run away when they found out about the darkness and hatred within me.

My amazing husband who despite what I have chosen in the past month or so (not going to church, eating out with a friend on Sunday, etc...) that have gone against what he would have liked me to do, he still accepts me and doesn't think any less of me as a person.

My family.  Family is easy to take for granted.  Likely because you grow up with them and know them so well you almost know what they will say to you when you say something.  I have certainly been pulling away from my family as of late.  I have even been pulling away from Pro Boxer's family as well.  They both are just so full of the gospel and that fuels their lives so much that I couldn't stand being in the same room with them when they discussed gospel related things - or when gospel things came into the conversation, no matter if it was simply just a passing thought that spent only a sentence in the conversation.  Yes family who keeps up with this - I have been purposely avoiding you.  Which may also be a reason why I haven't posted on here in a long time... and none of the posts have fully been about what has been bugging me most.  Truthfully... I haven't wanted to tell you about how much I have fallen because I haven't wanted you to be disappointed in me.  But that's just it.  I know you wouldn't think any less of me, but I was dealing with the fear that you would.  A lot has gone on in my life recently that has caused me to pull away, and I have done so purposefully, but I'm not going into that now.  The fact of the matter is, that my kids, my husband, my siblings... I am learning how I should appreciate you more, and lean on you more.

My talents.  Surely my trumpet playing ability is amazing.  Not just because I'm a trumpet player and have an ego, I know that it is great (because of the complements and raving reviews I get from Dr. Lion and Dr. MOM - the new trumpet teacher), and naturally better than some.  At least in some ways.  I say naturally because I don't practice nearly as much as I should, and yet I can pull off amazing performances.  They would probably be more amazing if I practiced more... but again... I'm just taking it for granted.  But I'm trying to change that mode of thought.

My abilities in general.  I mean... I'm about to graduate with a Bachelor's of Arts and I'm a freaking mom at the same time.  That aside with everything that has been happening, I have been able to survive.  Even if I don't graduate with a 3.0 (right now I'm at a 2.98..... 3.0 has been my goal ever since I found out I was that close) I have survived much more than I thought I would, and that has been with full schedules, sometimes poor health with sciatic nerve issues and lung problems... and even a part time job last spring.

I just.... I should be more grateful.  Bad times aside... I really do have lots to be grateful for.

The home stretch

So it is within my grasp, I can feel it.  I'm so close to graduating, it is almost intoxicating. It seems the more things I have to do, the more stress comes in, and the more things I forget.  I know this isn't just a unique thing just for me, but still.  It makes me realize just how many amazing friends I have.  Because the more concerts I pack on, the more I need people to watch my kids or do this that or the other to help me survive, and they help me without asking anything in return.  I seem to be surrounded by people friends and family who keep me moving when all I would rather do is sleep all day.  Or work on my story - either one.

I have to get to more homework - I need to read 5 more chapters of Bleak House before tomorrow, so I better get on it.  But I thought I would check in as I had a minute or two to catch up a bit.  Even though I'm not really saying much, I guess I am showing that I'm still alive, which could be seen as an accomplishment depending on how you want to see it.

Have a nice day!